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This is too easy


WANTED Editor, New York Times. No experience necessary. Call 1-800-LIBERAL to apply.

s part of its ongoing Operation Reachout effort, the Spew Pork Rinds editorial page today blasted the Bush Administration for not having as many crazed, whacked-out liberal ideas feelings as they.


Secretary Snow

Published: December 10, 2004

As the search for someone to replace Treasury Secretary John Snow dragged on,...

Secretary Snow is not resigning, by the way. But that won't stop these editors rumor mongers from turning Republican molehills into mountains or Demospastic mountains into anthills.

...Republicans close to the White House openly dissed him.

The same unnamed "Republicans close to the White House" whom Rinds al-jazeernalist David Sanger cited in his report rumor just yesterday.

Then, on Wednesday, the president reappointed Mr. Snow.

He did not. Didn't have to, because our constitution doesn't set term limits on serving as an officer of the United States. There is no reconfirmation by our Senate. Won't be for Secretary Mineta either, no matter how much I would like that. Understandable that Rinds editors have no clue about what our constitution actually says, even assuming they cared to ever read it.

To justify the surprise decision,...

Only a surprise to Rinds editors. They felt that the rumor they started would somehow catch on.

...a senior administration official said, "This was no time to send a signal of uncertainty."

Or a signal to the Spew Pork Rinds that it could be right about anything.

Well, it's no time to send a signal of business as usual, either.

Why? Because the Great and All-Powerful Ozitors at the Slimes said so?

The economic legacy of the first Bush term is dauntingly bad.

No, it's not. Besides the fact—another dirty word at the Slimes, like "morals" and "values"—that we've been in a World War for nearly four years, and that President Bush inherited a crippling recession, numerous corporate scandals, and all those dot-com bubble bursts from the Hillbillary administration, our economy is, at least in the minds of people who aren't Slimes editors—i.e., people with real minds—in relatively good shape.

The stock market is lower, despite tax cuts aimed at spurring investment.

The stock market was overinflated, with price-to-earnings ratios at all-time, unsustainable highs. Apparently the Rinds wants us to return to those phony stock values, just as they do with respect to social ones. Moreover, the national employment rate is still at 95%, exceeding al-Qlinton's first-term average. So the tax cuts are working, despite Old Media's gloomy predictions.

The dollar is way lower, and fears of a free fall are mounting daily.

No, they aren't, except of course in the unhinged minds, feelings and hopes of Spew Pork Rinds editors.

The federal budget has swung from a surplus to a $412 billion deficit,...

Before World War IV.

...mainly because of misguided and excessive tax cuts.

Mainly because of World War IV, actually.

The deficits in trade and international investment are at never-before-tested levels, nearly triple what most economists consider sustainable.

Mainly because of al-Qlinton's special, lopsided trade deals with China, which the Slimes editors wholeheartedly endorsed: "for Americans to reject a trade agreement [with China] that benefits everyone is misguided." Apparently, not so misguided as those editors who endorsed such an agreement, as the latter are finally admitting in their editorial today.

Job creation has been weaker than at any time in modern memory.

Ninety-five percent of all Americans who want to actually work for a living—i.e., people who aren't Slimes editors—have a job. As far as "modern memory," like other liberal concepts, this does not extend further back than President George W. Bush's inauguration on January 20, 2001.

Incomes are stagnant, failing in most months to even keep pace with inflation.

Since inflation is practically nonexistent, our current income levels are a problem only to those rumor mongers who "work" at 229 West 43rd Street, New York, NY 10036.

And no—count 'em, zero—policy reversals are on the horizon.

Just as this is a problem only inside the pointy heads of Slimes' editorial board members. Why should our president reverse policies that we the people have reaffirmed by our hiring him again for four more years?

As if that's not bad enough,...

Again, it's not bad at all if you aren't taking up good space inside any of the Rinds' editorial boardrooms.

...Mr. Snow's reappointment...

Again, there is no "reappointment" of any federal official to his same office. The day our Senate starts holding "reconfirmation" hearings on Secretary Snow's "second term" in office, pigs will be flying through snow storms in Hades and editors at the Slimes will be basing their opinions on facts.

...also sends a disturbing, though not surprising, message about policy making.

Disturbing, it should come as no surprise, only to liberals. That message being: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Liberals just like creating problems where none existed before. Except they blame others for those very same problems after they all go horribly wrong, in hopes of again escaping responsibility for their nutty, power-grabbing "ideas."

Like other secretaries in the Bush administration, Mr. Snow's main job has been to promote policies—not make them.

As opposed to the al-Qlinton administration, where the likes of Warren Christopher, Ron Brown, and Bill Cohen made all the policies while BiIsIs Qlinton stuck with studying the efficacy of using parts of his intern's anatomy as a cigar humidor.

To the extent that this administration has engaged in making economic policies (to wit, "tax cuts above all" and "deficits don't matter"), the policies have come from the president's inner circle.

Rovenomics™. That's the Slimes Style Manual's term for it. The Secretary of the Treasury is merely a doorstop. Yeah, right.

Mr. Snow, like so many others around President Bush, is nothing more than a messenger.

"...boy, for grocery clerks." These editors rumor mongers have been spending too much time with Hanoi John F'in' al-Qerry repeatedly watching the DVD of his favorite Hollyweird movie.

Congress knows it.

Knows what? That Spew Pork Rinds editors have nothing valuable to say about anything?

The financial markets know it.

That Slimes subscriptions are plummeting so fast they make Black Tuesday look like a bull-market rally?

Our trading partners know it.

That the only requirements for being hired as a Spew Pork Rinds editor is being a foaming-at-the-mouth liberal and having an effectively empty head?

It strains the imagination...

And the one or two semi-functioning "brain" cells left inside these rumor mongers' heads.

...that the White House couldn't find a fitting Treasury secretary among the Wall Street mavens, former politicians and other professionals who were considered for the post.

It has, you dolts.

It's more likely that none were suited for the real job on offer: cheerleader.

Gimme an S, gimme a L, gimme an I-M-E and another S. What does that spell? (Oh, forget it. It's a wonder these rumor mongers can at all, given what they unfitly print.)

This all bodes ill for the economy.

We're doomed. We'll never make it. How postive and reassuring liberals are!

Domestically, the president is committed to largely replacing Social Security with private retirement accounts—

No, he's not. Every single one of those accounts remains inside the Social Security system. Nothing's being replaced. But let's instead adopt the Slimes Plan of doing nothing other than raising taxes and reducing benefits until the entire system goes bankrupt and has to be scrapped altogether. (My saying earlier that these rumor mongers have, at most, two semi-functioning brain cells left, was way too optimistic.)

...although doing so would require the Treasury to borrow at least $1 trillion.

Or borrow $2 trillion and more if we adopt the Slimes' Status-Quo Plan.

Mr. Snow's reappointment...

Those Senate "reconfirmation" hearings for Secretary Snow will be held in the SPR editorial boardroom, in case you're interested in attending.

...neatly avoids the Senate confirmation hearings that would be required for a new appointment,...

Good grief. About time you clarified your terms there. For anyone whose concept of reality doesn't depend on what the meaning of "is" is, there is no "reappointment" procedure, process, letter, memo, public statement, Executive Order, or anything else of the kind required or involved. Unless the president says to a cabinet official "you're fired," he comes in the next morning just the same as always. Only Rinds rumor mongers could come up with a "reappointment" requirement that doesn't exist anywhere in our constitution or laws.

...as would the probable reappointment of Joshua Bolten as the director of the Office of Management and Budget. A major opportunity to vet Mr. Snow's professional opinions and to probe for—dare we suggest?—misgivings, is lost.

So is—I have no problem suggesting—your long held out hope for a second former Treasury secretary to write some scurrilous book about President Bush so you can publish review after glowing review of it in your newspaper propaganda pamphlets.

Internationally, the situation is even worse.

No, not even close. Socialist Europe can only dream of having a market economy as free, robust, and stable as ours.

Mr. Snow is squarely behind the administration's apparent weak-dollar policy.

That's to boost our exports, as any first-semester economics major would know. Weren't you just decrying our balance-of-trade deficits? Simply goes to prove once again that there's no point trying to please a liberal.

If the dollar's decline sharpens,...

Which it won't.

...is Mr. Snow capable of cooperating with our trading partners to manage the downward trajectory?

Gimme a Y, gimme an E, gimme an S. What does that spell!

It's kind of hard to be unilateral when you need China, Japan and Europe to accomplish your goals.

Another attempted rumor that fails miserably. Hard to say anyone's being unilateral when our officials keep meeting with every one of these counties all the time about this very issue. The most recent result of these continual meetings is the G-20 Accord for Sustainable Growth. There are better economic assessments coming out of NeverMoveOn.org and ASSHATTER than from the Slimes editorial board.

The economy won't really improve unless Mr. Bush starts to listen to people who will tell him things he does not want to hear,...

Like—dare I suggest?—what the rumor mongers are spewing at the Slimes, no doubt. Any Economic Geniuses® like yourselves who say our economy hasn't "really improved," has no business offering anyone, much less our country's president, any advice about anything more important and complex than "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

...like the fact...


...that the only lasting fix for the weak dollar is fiscal discipline to reduce the budget deficit.

For anyone who doesn't have time right now to consult the latest edition of TedBoat al-Qennedy's Liberal Lexicon (Boston: Chappaquiddick Press, 1969), "fiscal discipline" means "tax increases," and has for its antonym "spending reductions." Sort of like "fact" being a synonym for "feeling."

Mr. Snow is not that person.

Becauseth we editors sayeth soeth!

Most ominously,...

Liberals aren't going to get their way on this issue either. "Most thankfully" is the preface I would've used.

...the right person for that job doesn't exist—and couldn't get hired—in this administration.

If he, she, or other doesn't exist, why are you complaining? That's like me complaining about the nonexistence of any discernible brain matter in the pointy heads of Rinds editors. I know there's never going to be any, so I simply don't complain about it. It's not going to change that feeling fact.

Holiday Offer: Home Delivery of The Times for 50% off.

Make it 100% off, and I might reconsider my decision to forgo getting a new parakeet cage until I can find one with a more suitable liner.
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