Liberal Utopia

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Can we bomb France now?


Sounds like "a plan."

ike what's the hold up? I know we're supposed to call them our ally and everything. But, gee whiz, can't our newly re-elected president go to an about-to-be even more Republican-filled Congress and ask the equivalent of "Can I get me a huntin' license here?"

Extreme? Not really. It's all part of a plan to unite our allies and defeat the terrorists. It'll make the former respect us and the latter fear us more. I'm sure everybody wants that. They all said so during the election. So you see, this is a sure-fire way to make everyone happy. Let me explain.

France is the weakest link in our chain of allies in this war. Hardly anyone would dispute that. Not even the French. Now a chain is only as strong as—well, you know the rest. So why use a weaker chain when you have the means to cut out its weakest link and make it stronger and therefore more useful? "But how will the rest of the links react after you do that?" Well, if you're, say, the second weakest link and you wake up one morning and see the weakest one gone and ask what happened to it, what're going to do when another link tells you, "He was the weakest and got cut out. So I reckon that makes you the weakest link now. Mmwha haha ha ha"? Are you going to still slack around, waiting to be next? Or are you going to do what any self-respecting and non-suicidal link would do? That is, figure out a way to get stronger so some other link becomes the weakest? That's right. You're going to do the latter. After you do, the newest weakest link is going to face a similar dilemma and will respond exactly the same way. It'll get stronger too. A few more rounds of this and the difference between the weakest and strongest links will be practically nonexistent. Everyone wins because the entire chain is much, much stronger as a result.

"So how does this strike more fear into the terrorists' hearts black lumps of coal?" The answer's simple. When terrorists see that this is how we treat one of our friends, just imagine what they think we're going to be doing to them and their supporters. Not only that, but they'll be facing both the United States Armed Forces and the strongest chain of allies we could possibly ever have. We'll be united and the terrorists will be completely demoralized and defeated. Definitely a win-win situation for everyone on our side.

"What about my relatives living in France?" Don't despair. If anything, we're always humane. We'll first drop bar after bar after bar of soap on each of France's major cities, forcing most of its population to scatter and flee in a hurry. We'll also do some PsyOps, including broadcasts over their own airwaves announcing that hundreds of free-cheese stands have been set up outside their cities and they'll have to go get in line there and wait a couple of days to get some. Finally, we'll parachute in hundreds of plane loads of lady-Bic razors and shaving cream. That'll send any remaining stragglers into a real panic, giving them no choice but to head for the hills and leave each city entirely empty. This way there won't be any civilian casualties when we commence carpet-bombing operations. See how nice we are even when we're being terribly mean?

Of course, we'll have to arrest Jacque ChIraq and try him in an American court military tribunal for war crimes. "On what charges?" If you have to ask, you obviously haven't been paying attention the last couple of years. Further, we'll arrest UN Qingpin Kofi AnNut as a "material witness" (is that the right term?—not that it matters, so long as he's off the street).

After all this is done, Germany will immediately assume the status of weakest link. But by then I doubt it'll want to stay there too long. Soon Tony Blair will be publicly cursing "Jerry" for outpacing even Great Britain in terms of link strength.

Now the only questions remaining are which cities in France and how much of them do we bomb? Obviously, the answer to the latter is "the whole thing, down to the deepest wine cellar." The former we leave to commanders on the ground to answer. Depends on how many they see waiting in line at those free-cheese stands.

For the "winning the peace" and "exit strategy" parts of this plan, after the war we'll ask the UN to take over what's left of France and "help" it. The UN will administer a Wine-for-Food program so no French person ever has to go hungry. Then it'll begin inspecting that country for weapons—on second thought, that would be a total waste of time. Even if there are any weapons there, the French have never been willing to use them.

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