Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

All Quiet on the Leftard Front?


Or, just when you thought it was safe to go swimming again in Lake Reality....

ynthia McKinney's Jihadi Express will be arriving in Washington, D.C., five days from now, much to both the chagrin and the inexorable delight of her prospective constituent Denny Wilson. Two days later, at the UN, secretary jerk-n-all Kozy Korruption will convene a meeting to decide which Useless Nitwit officials will be siphoning off how many kickbacks from relief assistance to tsunami victims—after, of course, passing a resolution that blames President Bush's refusal to sign Kyoto, along with Americans in general, as the primary cause of all earthquakes. While Red Staters were joyfully celebrating Christmas, loserals were pondering the true meaning of Leftism. Is it just about trying to impose Cross-Dressing Day in all of America's elementary schools, or to ignore Saddam's blood-stained hands or FrUNch oil vouchers, or to undermine our troops' mission and morale while claiming to support them? Or is there something Mhore to it?

If you've been wondering where most of their normal moonbattiness has flown to recently, then look no further than this Belly of the Beast: It's all in there, festering, feeding on itself, yearning to break out as soon as the time is right left. Unfortunately, Canada hasn't yet responded to diplomatic requests that it grant immediate asylum to all American leftists claiming political-refugee status. In the meantime, we're stuck with their pathetic whining about President Bush not trying, like Qlinton would've in less time than its takes him to soil an intern's blue dress, to turn a natural disaster into his own personal photo-op.

Rather than trying to silence these Leftardians from the Parallel Universe & Alternate Timeline, they should be encouraged to utter their every furious frustration in front of every camera and microphone they can possibly find. At the rate they're going, after the next couple of elections the only Congresscritters and lesser office holders they'll have left will be RINOs.

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There's a bad moon on the rise


And much of it's still for sale!

Must. Take. Breath. Before. Clicking. (Blue-Eyed Infidel)
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Who Wants to Be A Moonbat?


This spin-off of a popular TV show is getting raving & ranting reviews.

elcome back to our special holiday edition of Who Wants to Be A Moonbat. Our next contestant is UC-Berkeley foreign exchange student Splode D. Dhope. Tell us a little about yourself, Splode."

"I'm from Syria and will be graduating next year with a double major in Joooooish studies and civil engineering."

"That's an interesting combination. What kind of career opportunities are out there for someone with such a degree?"

"All kinds. About 5.4 million different ones, according to most recent census figures. Of course, if I win big here, I could be CEO of my very own related firm."

"Now I know why you requested, instead of in dollars, that your winnings be in ounces of pentaerythritol tetranitrate-blended triacetone triperoxide plastic explosive. Something only a civil engineer could appreciate, no doubt."

"A civil engineer who's studied Jooooos' movements...I mean, culture—culture."

"Of course. Now you know the rules of our game. Are you ready to play Who Wants to Be A Moonbat?"


"Then let's start. For one hundred ounces of PETN-blended TATP plastic explosive, here's your first question: The Constitution of the United States is what? [a] Something written by slave-owning, women-hating white guys? [b] A living document? [c] Whatever liberals say it is? or [d] All of the above?"

"The answer is D. All of the above. That's my final answer."

"You are correct. You've won one hundred ounces of plastic explosive. Let's try for two hundred. Here's your next question: When an Islamonazi terrorist freedom fighter blows himself up along with a busload of children, how many virgins will he be rewarded with? [a] 15? [b] Zero? [c] 72? or [d] 911?"

"Well, as much as I'd like it to be that last number, I know it's C. Seventy-two. Final answer."

"Good thing it isn't more, because the correct answer is...seventy-two! You're now up to two hundred ounces. Next question is for three hundred: What is Tedboat al-Qennedy's favorite kind of drink? Is it—[a] Russian Vodka? [b] Irish Whisky? [c] French Wine? or [d] All of the above and lots of it?"

"I don't want to drive off a bridge here, so I'm going to use my audience lifeline for this question."

"OK, audience. Input your answers....Well, it looks like one hundred percent chose D."

"I suppose any Great Satan decadent audience would know much more about it than I. So I'm going to go with their answer. It's D."

"That your final answer?"


"They sure must know something. You're still above water and the winner of three hundred ounces of plastic explosive. Let's try for five hundred: Shortly before Sodam Insane's dictatorship presidency was toppled in 2003, he won his country's presidential election. What percentage of the vote did he receive? Was it—[a] Less than 10 percent? [b] Over 95 percent? [c] 75 percent? or [d] 52 percent?"

"Over 95 percent."

"You sound very sure of yourself."

"I know it for a fact. The construction company I worked for at the time was contracted to dig the mass graves for the less than one percent who voted against him. So that's my final answer."

"Guess you had to be there. And a good thing you were, because you're correct! You just won five hundred ounces. We've now come to the first milestone. For one thousand ounces of plastic explosive, here's your next question: A student who uses his finger to go 'Bang! Bang!' will get expelled from public government school—[a] Always? [b] Never? [c] Only in a Blue State? or [d] Only if he's demonstrating something other than the proper use of a condom?"

"Since I know only about madrassas, I'm not sure I understand the question."

"Would you like me to repeat it?"

"No. But I would like to take my fifty-fifty lifeline now."

"All right. Two wrong answers have been randomly removed. Your choice now is either—[b] Never? or [d] Only if he's demonstrating something other than the proper use of a condom?"

"Well, I know it's not never, so I'm going to say D. Final answer."

"Never say never. It is D! You now have one thousand ounces of plastic explosive. Which is what you'll take home even if you answer any of the next questions incorrectly."

"That's great. I'm ready to continue."

"In that case, for two thousand ounces, your next question is: When Palestingian President Yasshat Eurofat died, what did FrUNch President Jaquestrap ChIraq call him? [a] Goat *BLEEP*er? [b] Quite the AIDies man? [c] A hero? or [d] My favorite terrorist?"

"Since I know both were very, very close, I can say it has to be C. That's my final answer."

"You can say it again, Splode, because you just won two thousand ounces!"

"Phew! I almost have enough now for an operation I'm planning."

"A civil-engineering operation?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Good. Let's try for four thousand ounces then: Which vulgar name did Spanish foreign minister Migruel Morontinos recently call President George W. Bush? Was it—[a] A complete cowboy? [b] A complete breakfast? [c] A complete booger eater? or [d] A complete *BLEEP*head?"

"Hmm. I think I'm gonna have to use my phone-a-friend lifeline for this one."

"O.K. Who?"

"My good friend Ben O'Sam, uh, in Pakistan."

"All right. Dialing it now..."


"Hi, is this Ben?"

"Er, yes."

"Hello, Ben. This is HAL Gorebot from Who Wants to Be A Moonbat. Splode is using his lifeline to you for a question. Go ahead, Splode."

"Hi, Ben. The question is: Which vulgar name did Spanish foreign minister Migruel Morontinos recently call President George W. Bush? A complete cowboy? A complete breakfast? A complete booger eater? Or a complete *BLEEP*head?"

"Hey, that last one is what I called the Great Satan president in my last demand audiotape I sent to that Spanish infidel fellah. He must've stolen it! So I tell you it's probably that one. By the way, HAL, thanks for everything you didn't do during the Nineties. It really helped me out a lot."

"Don't mention it. Really, don't ever again. OK, Splode. Which one's your answer."

"I suppose Ben should know whether an infidel stole something from him. So I'm going to go with D. A complete *BLEEP*head. Final answer."

"Well, ol' Ben must be laden down with moonbat answers. The answer he gave you just put you one step closer to being one! You now have four thousand ounces of plastic explosive."

"Closer to those seventy-two virgins, too."

"Huh? That was question number two. We're at question eight right now. And here it is, for eight thousand ounces: When Democlods kept winning a majority of federal and state elections, it was called a mandate. Now that Republicans are doing the same thing, it's known as what? [a] Multiple landslides? [b] Mass insanity? [c] Permanent realignment? or [d] Consistent flukes?"

"It is insane that Americans won't elect people ever willing to sign surrender agreements peace treaties with undefeated enemies. So I'm going to say the answer is B. Mass insanity."

"Final answer?"


"Right again! You're up to eight thousand ounces. Here we go for sixteen thousand: While DNCBS Enemy-Assisting Propaganda News constantly plasters across the entire TV screen how many American troops have died in Iraq, what's its main reason for never similarly posting the number of terrorists our troops have killed there? [a] That number is too large to fit on any TV screen? [b] DNCBS doesn't want to offend any terrorists? [c] Dan Rather can't read very large numbers? or [d] DNCBS hopes to demoralize the American people with such a One-Sided Full-Screen Scoreboard™?"

"You're right. You never hear that number. You'd think all the insurgent types were getting away unscathed. Must be a great moral booster for those Mickey Mooron Minute Men®."

"Fifteen seconds left."

"Well, in this particular case, I believe DNCBS's main reason for showing its one-sided scoreboard is to demoralize the American people. So it's D. Final answer."

"Well, you yourself don't have to worry about getting demoralized. You just got sixteen thousand ounces of plastic explosive! That puts you at the second milestone. So for thirty-two thousand ounces, here's your next question: When a government employee wishes you Merry Christmas Xmas on public property, he, she or other is most likely doing what? [a] Violating the Separation of Church and State Clause in the constitution? [b] Discriminating against Muslims? [c] Living in a Red State? or [d] Wishing you a Merry Christmas Xmas?"

"Hmm. My instinct says he's discriminating against Muslims. But my sense of logic says he's most likely violating that SOCAS clause. So I'm going to go with A. That's my final answer."

"That's some logic. It's my sense you just won thirty-two thousand ounces! You passed the second milestone and now have a chance to win sixty-four thousand with this somewhat related question: When a government employee wishes you Kwazy Kwanzaa on public property, he, she or other is most likely doing what? [a] Celebrating cultural diversity? [b] Violating the Separation of Church and State Clause in the constitution? [c] Living in a Blue State? or [d] Patronizing those who are gullible enough to fall for a Marxist-inspired, phony holiday?"

"I'll have to use my phone-a-friend lifeline here."

"Who this time?"

"Hideously Rotten al-Qlinton."

"Oh! Is she a good friend of yours?"

"Not really. But she understands me a lot, and in fact sponsored my application to UC-Berkeley after one of her major campaign donors, the American Muslim Alliance, contacted her about it."

"How interesting. Dialing her number now..."

"What! Who is this? How did you get my personal number!"

"Hi, Hideously. This is HAL Gorebot from Who Wants to Be A Moonbat. Your friend, Splode, is using his lifeline to you, right here on our nationally syndicated television program."

"Oh—Why, of course. Nice of you to call, Sploat."

"I'm Splode, you burkaless female. Now here's the question: When a government employee wishes you Kwazy Kwanzaa on public property, he, she or other is most likely doing what? Celebrating cultural diversity? Violating the Separation of Church and State Clause in the constitution? Living in a Blue State? Or patronizing those who are gullible enough to fall for a Marxist-inspired, phony holiday?"

"I can answer this in about twice the time it's going to take me to fire that Jooooo *BLEEP* who gave you my number. He, she, other is celebrating cultural diversity. Only a redstate, backwater dumb hick wouldn't know that. In fact, I've sponsored a bill replacing Xmas with Kwanzaa as a national holiday, because I fully support cultural diversity and hope voters will understand how much I—"

"Please cut her off, HAL, before she uses up all my time!"

"—care about The Ch-ch-children™ who need nationalized health care for—"

"Good. Bye. Hideously. You have three seconds, Splode."

"My final answer is A, then."

"The ol' windbag almost cost you your chance there to be as much a moonbat as she is. But you answered in time, fortunately. And correctly, I might add! You now have sixty-four thousand ounces of plastic explosive under your belt—so to speak. Congratulations."


"Are you ready for your next question?"


"Good. Here it is, for one hundred twenty-five thousand ounces of plastic explosive: In all presidential elections since 1804, how many sitting U.S. Senators have ever won who did not die in office during their first term as president? Is it—[a] 4? [b] 7? [c] None? or [d] 2?"

"It's a good thing I read Web logs, because I read once on one that only two sitting Senators have ever been elected president. But both those died in office during their first term. So my answer is C. None."

"Final answer?"


"Good thing someone I know invented the Internet or you might have missed reading it. I don't know how brown that Web logger's pajama top is, but seems he, she or other did the research. You and he/she/other are both correct! Which now gives you one hundred and twenty-five thousand ounces. Would you like to try for a quarter million?"


"Then let's continue: Global Warming® is the result of which phenomena? [a] Naturally-occurring cyclical processes? [b] Decrease in the earth's mean distance from the sun? [c] Evil conservatives riding around in their SUVs? or [d] Mickey Mooron eating one too many cans of baked beans?"

"Hmm. I'm not a climatologist, other than in the sense I'd like to someday see an explosive release of certain noxious gasses into the atmosphere of any enclosed space frequented by infidels, such as Mall of America. And I know the NotACLUe recently sued a public school district for teaching about global warming because it involved mentioning El Niño, which means 'Christ Child' in Spanish."


"Of course, Global Warming is bad, which means it can't be natural. And anything bad regarding the environment has to be the result of something conservatives have done. So I'm going to have to say it's C."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Uh, yes."

"I'm not sure I followed all that—or if anyone at home did either—but...you're right! It is C. Just think of how many SUVs, hypothetically speaking, you could blow up with that quarter million ounces of plastic explosive you just won."

"Yes. Jooooo-filled ones....many, many Jooooooo-filled SUVs....many, many, many—"

"Right. Snap out of it so you can tell me whether you want to try for half a million ounces."

"Oh, I—uh, yes. I want to continue."

"Then for five hundred thousand ounces of plastic explosive, here's your next question: When former El Presidente BiIsIs al-Qlinton was caught blue-dressed red-handed giving false testimony in a sexual-harassment lawsuit against him, what was his response? [a] 'Everybody Does It© so Let's Move On For The Ch-ch-children™ but not the Top One Percent® because...It's. Just. About. Sex.'? [b] 'I've never seen that stain before in my life'? [c] 'No one'll ever impeach me for this'? or [d] 'Is is as is does'?"

"I think I'll use another lifeline here."

"Who do you want to call?"

"Defeated Senate minority leader SadTom Dasch-hat."

"All right. Dialing his number now..."

"Hi, you have reached the Senate majority leader. I mean, minority leader. I mean, former minority leader. Oh, whatever. I'm not in right now because I'm looking for a lobbying job with my wife. If you'd like to leave your number, don't waste your time. I'm just way too sad to talk to you right now. *BEEEEEP*"

"Didn't you tell SadTom you'd be on at this time, Splode?"

"Well, yes. He was sounding even sadder than usual, so I was kinda expecting this. Although I'm very, very disappointed that he would mislead me and the entire show like that."

"In any case, you know the rules. You only get one attempt. That means you'll have to answer the question yourself."

"Okay. I think it's that 'stain' response, then. Although I'm not sure."

"Final answer?"

"No. Let me think...Don't tell a small lie, tell a whopper and repeat it often...repeat it often.... Oh! Pack all the regular lies along with that particular one into a single, incomprehensible statement. That's it. It has to be A. 'Everybody does it,' et cetera. Final answer."

"Well, nobody does it like you do when it comes to predictably giving the 'right' moonbat answer. You just won one-half million ounces of plastic explosive! Now we'll show you what you could win if you decide to continue. All right, fellahs, roll the big crate in...."

"Wow! Are there really a million ounces of PETN-blended TATP plastic explosive in that crate?"

"Now, Splode, would we lie about something like that?"

"I suppose not. And they're all packed inside the pouches of easy-to-conceal...I mean, easy-to-carry body belts, just as I requested"

"Yep. Every body belt in there has been carefully lined with twenty ounces of plastic explosive. Detonator included—also as you requested."

"Praise Allah!"

"And all of it could be yours if you decide to continue."

"In that case, I want to go on and try for the million ounces!"

"All right."

"I do have one more request, if you don't mind."

"What's that?"

"May I wear just one of those body belts during the next question...for, er, luck?"

"Why of course you may. Give him one, fellahs..."

"Thanks, infidel servant fellah. Now let me see....This strap goes here, and it ties here. Kinda snug, by the way—but it doesn't matter. And the detonator wires go in here...and here...and the last one here. Ah, just right. How does it look?"

"Very fetching on you. Are you ready to try and win the entire crate of one million ounces now?"

"Absolutely. I'm feeling a whole lot luckier already."

"Good. Your final question, for a million ounces of plastic explosive, is: The strategy of asymetrical warfare cooked up by Algerian psycho psychiatrist Frantz Fanon mainly consists of which tactic and goal? [a] Sending the representative of an 'oppressed' Marxist regime to Hollyweird so he will be given money and publicly fawned over by empty-headed starlets? [b] Bribing Mickey Mooron with free chili dogs for life so he will direct more documentaries that terrorists militants can quote from for their propaganda videos? [c] Goading an army of liberation colonial occupation into reprisals against civilians so the latter will join the rebellion en masse? or [d] Blowing up Israeli kindergartens and school buses so the kids in them will not grow up to be adult Joooooooos?"

"Oh, I can't believe this is my question!"

"Well, after all, it is for one million ounces. We had to make it hard."

"'Hard'? I learned this in my third grade Palestingianology class. The answer is C."

"Your final answer?"

"You betcha. Yes."

"Hmm, it seems you are...correct! Congratulations. You are now a bona fide moonbat."

"Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!"

"You've won the entire million ounces of plastic explosive, including that twenty inside the belt you're wearing."

"That's right, infidel. And I know just what to do with it!"

"What do you mean?"

"Ah-ha! While you weren't looking I activated the belt's detonator. And I will blow you, me, and the whole audience up so I can be rewarded my seventy-two virgins. I ought to get a few green-eyed redheads out of this, too, for slaughtering this many infidels at one time. Mwhaha hahhah haha...."

"Ooh, we're sooooo scared."

"You ought to be, infidels! I personally know UBL and have had operational contacts with al-Zitqawi. They both should be most pleased with how I'm martyring myself right now, using the very things you unclean infidels have supplied me with."

"What, no demands?"

"Yes, one. I demand that you all die horrible, mangled deaths, and that your blood flow out into the street like rivers. And all your countrymen weep afterwards like women."

"Is that all?"

"No. I want every liberal in your nation to curse the day he, she or other was born an American!"

"I'm sure we won't be able to meet any of your demands. Other than that last one, of course."

"And why is that?"

"You see, the audience is composed exclusively of DHS and FBI agents."

"Ah...but even that won't save you, you infidel former VP! I have my finger on this dead man's switch and will be releasing it as soon as I'm ready. I'll be taking all those Great Satan agents of yours with me and become an even more revered martyr!"

"There's something else you should know, also. I'm not really HAL Gorebot."


"Yes. Once I remove this makeup...you can see...that I'm...actually...Tom Ridge! Tah-da. We're about to close the pod-bay doors on your puny cell here in this country—permanently, you stupid moonbat terrorist."

"No matter. All of you here will die now! Allahu Akbar!—huh? Wait, let me reset this. O.K...Allahu Akbar!—Hey, what gives?"

"That belt you're wearing. It's full of Playdough®, not plastic explosive. Same goes for this crate."

"But you assured me there were a million ounces of plastic explosive in it!"

"Wrong. I said, 'Would we lie about something like that?' And you said, 'I suppose not.' It's the one question you didn't answer correctly this evening. Mwhahaha hahaha hahah. But don't worry. We're going to be asking you a whole lot more in the days and weeks ahead. OK, fellahs, take the terrorist away."


"Sorry, we have to MoveOn now. Thanks for playing. No lifeline to your lawyer, either, since you've confessed—on national television, no less—to being an enemy combatant."


"Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've no moore time left for this special edition of Who Wants to Be A Moonbat. Be sure to tune in to CNN-DNCBS-NBC-ABC-BBC and other MSM stations for regular, hourly episodes of our show. For all of us here at Who Wants to Be A Moonbat, goodnight, Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!"

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To each brave defender of all our freedoms



ear Soldier,

I am writing you from a safe and sound America this Christmas, enjoying the Holiday spirit among friends and warm company of family, with no greater worry than how many more lights I should add outside the house, or whether the tree I got this year is ever going to get set up and decorated—which it will, eventually. Thanks to you: A person I do not know but whom I'm thinking about with each trip I make to buy presents or simply go grocery shopping, each crowded mall or quiet moment with a loved one. These things are what you have chosen to miss out on yourself this season, for the first time or perhaps again, and in so doing have made them all possible for your family and everyone else back home. I am determined to make the most of this way of life which you and your comrades are giving and have given so much every day to defend—from each show of bravery and courage that no one else could even begin to imagine, to all the loneliness and other reminders of sacrifice that no one with a heart could at any time fail to understand.

Your family, your interests, your community, your home here, all are in our safe keeping and loving care while you work to complete the job of eradicating the threats to each of them still to be found in places like Afghanistan and Iraq, where you are now. Our country fully supports what you are doing and wants you to succeed at it and finish it as soon as possible, because her people know that will increase your chances of returning home much more quickly and safely, as well as to a homeland made much more secure. We're depending on you there to ensure the latter. And you're depending on us here to preserve the former while you're away doing that.

Despite a jaded, old media that bombards each of us daily with almost exclusively dismal reports aimed, perhaps unintentionally, at demoralizing us, we know and see the results of what you are accomplishing. Free elections in nations that never saw them before. The toppling of brutal dictatorships and liberation of millions. Our country's enemies all reduced to total despair and a state of complete desperation. These are just some of the things you have helped do. Billions the world over now, and many more in generations to come, are and will be saying out of tremendous, heartfelt gratitude and pride: Thank you, Soldier. Because of what you did, our world is better, freer, more stable and peaceful than it would've been otherwise.

When I get that tree and those lights up, I will be celebrating the birth of One whose torture and ultimate sacrifice on my behalf brought light and salvation to the world. I will also be remembering and praying in His name for you and your family, that He may lessen your hardships, comfort you, prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies, and bring you back home soon, safe and sound.

Our Lord be with you, guide you and bless you, Soldier. Thank you for all you have done on behalf of our nation and her people.

A grateful fellow citizen,

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Homespun Symposium II: Divided America


Question—"Is the division in America important to you? What will be necessary to heal it? What part do you see Bloggers playing in that discussion and how will you personally contribute to it?"

nswering these important questions, in an LU exclusive interview before his retirement termination from DNCBS, is my very own special Dan Rather sock puppet:

Libsareb Raindead, LU News correspondent: Welcome to 60 Minions of Liberalism, Dan. You have the honor of being first not only on the official 60 Minions' Most Mistrusted Minions list, but as a guest on our debut show.

Dan Rather, sock puppet: It's great to be here. In fact, it's great to be anyplace that's still willing to give me money to show up and spout off about evil Republicans and that dummy Bush.

Raindead: We were supposed to pay you? Wait, my producer's saying something in my earpiece. Oh, that's right. She's reminding me about the memo about your payoff. Yes, we have a reality check backstage that we'll be giving you after the show.

Rather: Thanks.

Raindead: Don't mention it. Especially on your alleged news program. Not that you'll be having that opportunity anyway come this March.

Rather: Don't worry. We have too many reports about Halliburton and other evil Republicans to air before I leave. So it's doubtful we'd have time to give any coverage to my fee here.

Raindead: Great. While we're on the subject, is there any one thing you regret most about your 24 years of sitting in the anchor chair at DNCBS?

Rather: Not really. I do regret that this president and his administration failed miserably on so many things which I couldn't even begin to mention, much less go into, without taking up the entire hour of your program.

Raindead: We're only a half-hour show, Dan. But, please, continue.

Rather: The entire 30 minutes, then. Anyway, I personally don't have any regrets. I was just so thrilled to be coming into Americans' living rooms night after night and warning them, like a Paul Revere, about the evil doings of evil Republicans and their very evil agenda.

Raindead: How nice. Do you believe that you're doing that has contributed to the rancor and animosity and distrust so rampant among the viewer you have left?

Rather: Well, I don't know if that viewer's been polled about it yet. But, yes, I guess he could be feeling that way given all the evilness of the Republicans which I've been constantly—and objectively, mind you—reporting to him.

Raindead: Actually, that viewer is a she. But let's move on to my follow up. Is it right to be dividing that viewer and rest of the American people with your newscasts? Is this division in America important to you?

Rather: Of course it's important to me. I wouldn't be where I am today without contributing to it. People...er, that person tunes in each evening to hear me tell him...uh, her what's going on and what's up with all the evil in this world evilly created by all that evilness of this president and other Republicans.

Raindead: You keep mentioning evil. Is there, in your mind, any non-evil thing a Republican has ever done?

Rather: Of course. Two or three of them lost their elections last month. That was very unevil.

Raindead: Speaking of losing, what are your thoughts about your being fired from DNCBS News?

Rather: Ah. But I'm not being fired. I've just decided that's it's time for me to retire, that's all.

Raindead: Then what are your thoughts about your imminent retirement?

Rather: It's so unfair! Uh—I mean, I'm looking forward to it.

Raindead: So you don't feel you were pressured in any way into retiring at this time?

Rather: No, not at all. The management at CBS—and I must correct you, I work at CBS, not DNCBS. Anyway, the management has been very understanding and supportive of my decision.

Raindead: I'm sure I got the acronym right. The name change was in a memo recently obtained by LU News—I have it right here. I quote: "The DNC-CBS partnership will be bringing the American viewing public complete and accurate election coverage this year. We are committed to, et cetera, et cetera." End quote. You didn't receive that memo?

Rather: No. That's the first I ever heard of it. I swear.

Raindead: Sure. Back to your retirement. You don't think it had anything to do with another memo that DNCBS put out before the election, which you yourself publicly admitted had been forged?

Rather: Well, in all honesty, no. I don't feel that minor slip-up had anything to do with my decision to retire.

Raindead: You say DNCBS management didn't pressure you. What about anyone else? Like the Bloggers who uncovered and disseminated questions about the authenticity of those memos, for example.

Rather: Oh, I would never feel pressured by anyone like them. My credentials as a trusted reporter span decades. The people you've mentioned have been around, what, two or three years? Obviously, they aren't in a position to pressure anyone like myself. Our own internal investigation uncovered the problems with those memos, not a bunch of pajama-wearing, two-bit hack journalist wannabes.

Raindead: You don't think such democratic forms of information gathering and sharing have any influence on established media and their reporting?

Rather: How can they? Besides, I wouldn't characterize them that way. News is not a democratic exercise. It depends on the professional judgment of committed journalists to decide what is news and how and whether it should be reported. Who has the qualifications to do that other than those whose job it is to gather and broadcast information for the public?

Raindead: So no one else has any capacity to make such decisions?

Rather: Not really. Oh, sure, anyone with a keyboard or typewriter can put out whatever they want. But that doesn't make it news under any reasonable definition of that word.

Raindead: A Selectric typewriter, no doubt.

Rather: A Select-what?

Raindead: Nevermind. We're about out of time anyway.

Rather: I though you said we had a half hour for this interview.

Raindead: We do. But the remaining minutes will give me just enough time to run you through the washing machine so I can wear you tomorrow. I'm about out of socks.

Rather: Well, in that case, I hope we can do this again sometime, soon.

Raindead: I doubt it. I'm going to be using extra chlorine to get out the ink I used to draw your mouth and eyes. Maybe I can make a Tom Brokaw sock puppet next time.

Rather: (Would roll eyes if he could.)

More catch-up installments of my Homespun Symposium answers coming soon....

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This is too easy


WANTED Editor, New York Times. No experience necessary. Call 1-800-LIBERAL to apply.

s part of its ongoing Operation Reachout effort, the Spew Pork Rinds editorial page today blasted the Bush Administration for not having as many crazed, whacked-out liberal ideas feelings as they.


Secretary Snow

Published: December 10, 2004

As the search for someone to replace Treasury Secretary John Snow dragged on,...

Secretary Snow is not resigning, by the way. But that won't stop these editors rumor mongers from turning Republican molehills into mountains or Demospastic mountains into anthills.

...Republicans close to the White House openly dissed him.

The same unnamed "Republicans close to the White House" whom Rinds al-jazeernalist David Sanger cited in his report rumor just yesterday.

Then, on Wednesday, the president reappointed Mr. Snow.

He did not. Didn't have to, because our constitution doesn't set term limits on serving as an officer of the United States. There is no reconfirmation by our Senate. Won't be for Secretary Mineta either, no matter how much I would like that. Understandable that Rinds editors have no clue about what our constitution actually says, even assuming they cared to ever read it.

To justify the surprise decision,...

Only a surprise to Rinds editors. They felt that the rumor they started would somehow catch on.

...a senior administration official said, "This was no time to send a signal of uncertainty."

Or a signal to the Spew Pork Rinds that it could be right about anything.

Well, it's no time to send a signal of business as usual, either.

Why? Because the Great and All-Powerful Ozitors at the Slimes said so?

The economic legacy of the first Bush term is dauntingly bad.

No, it's not. Besides the fact—another dirty word at the Slimes, like "morals" and "values"—that we've been in a World War for nearly four years, and that President Bush inherited a crippling recession, numerous corporate scandals, and all those dot-com bubble bursts from the Hillbillary administration, our economy is, at least in the minds of people who aren't Slimes editors—i.e., people with real minds—in relatively good shape.

The stock market is lower, despite tax cuts aimed at spurring investment.

The stock market was overinflated, with price-to-earnings ratios at all-time, unsustainable highs. Apparently the Rinds wants us to return to those phony stock values, just as they do with respect to social ones. Moreover, the national employment rate is still at 95%, exceeding al-Qlinton's first-term average. So the tax cuts are working, despite Old Media's gloomy predictions.

The dollar is way lower, and fears of a free fall are mounting daily.

No, they aren't, except of course in the unhinged minds, feelings and hopes of Spew Pork Rinds editors.

The federal budget has swung from a surplus to a $412 billion deficit,...

Before World War IV.

...mainly because of misguided and excessive tax cuts.

Mainly because of World War IV, actually.

The deficits in trade and international investment are at never-before-tested levels, nearly triple what most economists consider sustainable.

Mainly because of al-Qlinton's special, lopsided trade deals with China, which the Slimes editors wholeheartedly endorsed: "for Americans to reject a trade agreement [with China] that benefits everyone is misguided." Apparently, not so misguided as those editors who endorsed such an agreement, as the latter are finally admitting in their editorial today.

Job creation has been weaker than at any time in modern memory.

Ninety-five percent of all Americans who want to actually work for a living—i.e., people who aren't Slimes editors—have a job. As far as "modern memory," like other liberal concepts, this does not extend further back than President George W. Bush's inauguration on January 20, 2001.

Incomes are stagnant, failing in most months to even keep pace with inflation.

Since inflation is practically nonexistent, our current income levels are a problem only to those rumor mongers who "work" at 229 West 43rd Street, New York, NY 10036.

And no—count 'em, zero—policy reversals are on the horizon.

Just as this is a problem only inside the pointy heads of Slimes' editorial board members. Why should our president reverse policies that we the people have reaffirmed by our hiring him again for four more years?

As if that's not bad enough,...

Again, it's not bad at all if you aren't taking up good space inside any of the Rinds' editorial boardrooms.

...Mr. Snow's reappointment...

Again, there is no "reappointment" of any federal official to his same office. The day our Senate starts holding "reconfirmation" hearings on Secretary Snow's "second term" in office, pigs will be flying through snow storms in Hades and editors at the Slimes will be basing their opinions on facts.

...also sends a disturbing, though not surprising, message about policy making.

Disturbing, it should come as no surprise, only to liberals. That message being: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Liberals just like creating problems where none existed before. Except they blame others for those very same problems after they all go horribly wrong, in hopes of again escaping responsibility for their nutty, power-grabbing "ideas."

Like other secretaries in the Bush administration, Mr. Snow's main job has been to promote policies—not make them.

As opposed to the al-Qlinton administration, where the likes of Warren Christopher, Ron Brown, and Bill Cohen made all the policies while BiIsIs Qlinton stuck with studying the efficacy of using parts of his intern's anatomy as a cigar humidor.

To the extent that this administration has engaged in making economic policies (to wit, "tax cuts above all" and "deficits don't matter"), the policies have come from the president's inner circle.

Rovenomics™. That's the Slimes Style Manual's term for it. The Secretary of the Treasury is merely a doorstop. Yeah, right.

Mr. Snow, like so many others around President Bush, is nothing more than a messenger.

"...boy, for grocery clerks." These editors rumor mongers have been spending too much time with Hanoi John F'in' al-Qerry repeatedly watching the DVD of his favorite Hollyweird movie.

Congress knows it.

Knows what? That Spew Pork Rinds editors have nothing valuable to say about anything?

The financial markets know it.

That Slimes subscriptions are plummeting so fast they make Black Tuesday look like a bull-market rally?

Our trading partners know it.

That the only requirements for being hired as a Spew Pork Rinds editor is being a foaming-at-the-mouth liberal and having an effectively empty head?

It strains the imagination...

And the one or two semi-functioning "brain" cells left inside these rumor mongers' heads.

...that the White House couldn't find a fitting Treasury secretary among the Wall Street mavens, former politicians and other professionals who were considered for the post.

It has, you dolts.

It's more likely that none were suited for the real job on offer: cheerleader.

Gimme an S, gimme a L, gimme an I-M-E and another S. What does that spell? (Oh, forget it. It's a wonder these rumor mongers can at all, given what they unfitly print.)

This all bodes ill for the economy.

We're doomed. We'll never make it. How postive and reassuring liberals are!

Domestically, the president is committed to largely replacing Social Security with private retirement accounts—

No, he's not. Every single one of those accounts remains inside the Social Security system. Nothing's being replaced. But let's instead adopt the Slimes Plan of doing nothing other than raising taxes and reducing benefits until the entire system goes bankrupt and has to be scrapped altogether. (My saying earlier that these rumor mongers have, at most, two semi-functioning brain cells left, was way too optimistic.)

...although doing so would require the Treasury to borrow at least $1 trillion.

Or borrow $2 trillion and more if we adopt the Slimes' Status-Quo Plan.

Mr. Snow's reappointment...

Those Senate "reconfirmation" hearings for Secretary Snow will be held in the SPR editorial boardroom, in case you're interested in attending.

...neatly avoids the Senate confirmation hearings that would be required for a new appointment,...

Good grief. About time you clarified your terms there. For anyone whose concept of reality doesn't depend on what the meaning of "is" is, there is no "reappointment" procedure, process, letter, memo, public statement, Executive Order, or anything else of the kind required or involved. Unless the president says to a cabinet official "you're fired," he comes in the next morning just the same as always. Only Rinds rumor mongers could come up with a "reappointment" requirement that doesn't exist anywhere in our constitution or laws.

...as would the probable reappointment of Joshua Bolten as the director of the Office of Management and Budget. A major opportunity to vet Mr. Snow's professional opinions and to probe for—dare we suggest?—misgivings, is lost.

So is—I have no problem suggesting—your long held out hope for a second former Treasury secretary to write some scurrilous book about President Bush so you can publish review after glowing review of it in your newspaper propaganda pamphlets.

Internationally, the situation is even worse.

No, not even close. Socialist Europe can only dream of having a market economy as free, robust, and stable as ours.

Mr. Snow is squarely behind the administration's apparent weak-dollar policy.

That's to boost our exports, as any first-semester economics major would know. Weren't you just decrying our balance-of-trade deficits? Simply goes to prove once again that there's no point trying to please a liberal.

If the dollar's decline sharpens,...

Which it won't.

...is Mr. Snow capable of cooperating with our trading partners to manage the downward trajectory?

Gimme a Y, gimme an E, gimme an S. What does that spell!

It's kind of hard to be unilateral when you need China, Japan and Europe to accomplish your goals.

Another attempted rumor that fails miserably. Hard to say anyone's being unilateral when our officials keep meeting with every one of these counties all the time about this very issue. The most recent result of these continual meetings is the G-20 Accord for Sustainable Growth. There are better economic assessments coming out of NeverMoveOn.org and ASSHATTER than from the Slimes editorial board.

The economy won't really improve unless Mr. Bush starts to listen to people who will tell him things he does not want to hear,...

Like—dare I suggest?—what the rumor mongers are spewing at the Slimes, no doubt. Any Economic Geniuses® like yourselves who say our economy hasn't "really improved," has no business offering anyone, much less our country's president, any advice about anything more important and complex than "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

...like the fact...


...that the only lasting fix for the weak dollar is fiscal discipline to reduce the budget deficit.

For anyone who doesn't have time right now to consult the latest edition of TedBoat al-Qennedy's Liberal Lexicon (Boston: Chappaquiddick Press, 1969), "fiscal discipline" means "tax increases," and has for its antonym "spending reductions." Sort of like "fact" being a synonym for "feeling."

Mr. Snow is not that person.

Becauseth we editors sayeth soeth!

Most ominously,...

Liberals aren't going to get their way on this issue either. "Most thankfully" is the preface I would've used.

...the right person for that job doesn't exist—and couldn't get hired—in this administration.

If he, she, or other doesn't exist, why are you complaining? That's like me complaining about the nonexistence of any discernible brain matter in the pointy heads of Rinds editors. I know there's never going to be any, so I simply don't complain about it. It's not going to change that feeling fact.

Holiday Offer: Home Delivery of The Times for 50% off.

Make it 100% off, and I might reconsider my decision to forgo getting a new parakeet cage until I can find one with a more suitable liner.
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Democrats' Racist Roots


Forget former Klansman recruiter Masser Robert KKKarlyle Byrd and his toady kkkolleague Masser Christopher JohnnyRebbophile Dodd still in our Senate. Their racist roots are planted much more deeply.

emoracist Party of the United States. They brought you such worst sellers as Trail of Tears Thru-Hikers' Companion, The Joys of Slavery, The Klan and I, Jim Crow Dumplings and Other Recipes, as well as Civil Rights Act, Civil Rights Smack. Now their latest, Amos 'n' Andy's Ballot Box Boogie, is bombing just as badly. Not even Barbra Streisand's eleventh-hour 500,000 bulk order has been able to prop up that one's sales.

The founder of the Demofanatic Party himself owned 160 slaves. Not content with oppressing just one ethnic minority, Andrew Jackson wanted to be an even more progressive racist. So he set out on a genocidal killing spree against all First Americans, slaughtering every one he could and imposing his own final solution of the Indian population problem—i.e., wherever there's an Indian population, that's a problem. Back at his plantation a few years earlier, Jackson informed his slave overseer how he wanted to help minorities:

As far as lenity can be extended to these unfortunate creatures I wish you to do so; subordination must be obtained first, and then good treatment.

Thus the Dhimmicratic policy towards all minorities was born.

Appropriately marking the sesquicentennial of the Kansas-Nebraska Act, this year's election further loosened the Demagogic Party's lynch-like stranglehold around the neck of the minority vote. More and more American voters today are breaking free of those demeaning chains which this party has held them in way too long. They are emancipating themselves both privately and politically from that Dhimmicrat-peculiar institution.

Its results celebrate, also, another 150th anniversary. The Republican Party was born opposing the Dhimmi's demands for their right to choose ownership over their own slaves' bodies. When Republicans stopped them dead in their tracks, the Donkeyrats threatened to selfishly take all their remaining marbles and secede from the Union. (Sound familiar?) After publishing their all-time flop, How Negroes Are Resolved to Die As Slaves Rather Than Live Free Men, they carried out that threat.

Thankfully the Dapoplectic Party's lost cause went almost as badly as that of the al-Qerry2004 Qampaign. Slavery was forever abolished, all thanks to our first Republican president—a courageous American who never owned a slave in his life—and his morals-friendly party.

The Republicans' liberation of minorities didn't stop there, however. Despite insurgent Deadenderats' incessant attempts to hold back minorities and return them to a state of slavery and total dependency—(sound familiar?)—the Republican Party pressed ahead with implementing their plans for reconstruction, including the first-ever elections and appointments of newly freed Americans to many high offices:

During [Andrew] Johnson's term, the Reconstruction Acts of 1867 extended suffrage to formerly enslaved male African Americans, completely transforming the American electorate. Hundreds of black delegates participated in state constitutional conventions, and from 1869 until 1877, fourteen African American men served in the U.S. House of Representatives and two were in the U.S. Senate.

That's why during the last century, whenever an American whose skin color happened to be brown or black was elected to some high office or another, you always heard "not since the Reconstruction Era has that occurred." Republicans were the first to make such opportunities possible for all Americans, regardless their skin's melanin levels.

Only the Republican Party was in favor of liberty for all. Again, it was Dementedrats who were obstructing the Republicans' civil-rights efforts and forming extremist groups like the Ku Klux Klan so Senator Byrd's forefathers would have a place to hang out on Saturday nights—when they weren't too busy lynching, beating up, or burning crosses on the lawns of any American citizens they hated.

These extremist Deadheaderats didn't cease hating minorities after Reconstruction either. Out of their racist, hatred-filled hearts they invented an indignity just as bad as slavery: Jim Crow. According to that conservative bastion of news PBS,

The Democratic Party identified itself as the "white man's party" and demonized the Republican Party as being "Negro dominated"....After the Civil War, the Democratic Party in the South was the party of white supremacy.

The Demospastic Party feverishly sought regime change in the Republican-controlled legislatures of the former Confederate states. With the excuse of a close presidential election, they selfishly took advantage of the Republicans' desire for a harmonious Union by making demands that they knew the latter wouldn't have caved in to otherwise. So after ten years they at last got their regime change, and immediately set about recodifying as much of their same old racist policies as they could. Throughout the next four-score years, the leaders of the Dewhitemanic Party sipped mint juleps on their Jim Crow Plantation while their neoslaves, effectively denied the right to choose any elected representatives, were just picking cotton.

It took another Republican president to start changing all that.

A few years after the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas, that Jim Crow Pie could no longer be constitutionally served in our public schools, the Democreep governor of Arkansas, Orval Faubus—who "wrote lengthy essays in favor of socialism" and was later one of BiIsIs Qlinton's early backers—refused to help strike from the statute books such a favorite recipe of his party. Fortunately for all Americans, Republican president and genuine war hero Dwight D. Eisenhower had the courage to enforce the Brown decision in that blue state. Governor Faubus went on to be replaced by a Republican and wound up serving as a bank teller who didn't like to wait on any of his non-white customers. Senator Byrd's Ku Klux Klan not only was angry about losing one of its most effective, staunch appeasers in the state, but knew that a Republican president had delivered them an unrecoverable blow.

Over the next seven years the Demoliarats kept hammering at minorities. This time they were fighting fang and claw trying to water down and finally sink the Civil Rights Act. Although their party solidly controlled both our House and Senate and could've passed practically anything they wanted, had it just been up to Drip O'Rats there never would've been any such Act. Without the Republicans' overwhelming support of the Civil Rights Act, that law wouldn't have been enacted. Period.

The Congressional Quarterly of June 26, 1964 (p. 1323) recorded that, in the Senate, only 69% of Democrats (46 for, 21 against) voted for the Civil Rights Act as compared to 82% of Republicans (27 for, 6 against). All southern Democratic senators voted against the Act. This includes the current senator from West Virginia and former KKK member Robert C. Bryd and former Tennessee senator Al Gore, Sr. (the father of [Mount Goritoba])....[T]he Act's primary opposition came from the southern Democrats' 74-day filibuster....

In the House of Representatives, 61% of Democrats (152 for, 96 against) voted for the Civil Rights Act; 92 of the 103 southern Democrats voted against it. Among Republicans, 80% (138 for, 34 against) voted for it.

So much for the libstream media's lie that Republicans aren't this country's strongest supporters of our civil rights. It's the Party of Jackson Jackasses that wants to use minorities like harnessed mules again for plowing its way to power.

It's not difficult or surprising to see who in the news media is whistling Dixie for these racists. The al-jazeernalists who vote exclusively for 'Rats are the same ones putting Republicans in their sneer quotes and "informing" minorities how much the Demoracist Party would like to "take care" of them on the government plantation because "you're too disadvantaged [not smart enough] to take care of yourself." Such falls squarely in line with the Slaverats' mentality: When someone asks to "take care" of you it often means he wants to have power over you, that he believes you're incapable of doing anything—like thinking or voting for yourself—without his "assistance."

Desperats continually try to convince themselves that they must have absolute power over everyone else because, they feel, that's the only way their lives can have any sort of meaning. Theirs are so superficial and empty and imbued with fantasies having no resemblance whatsoever to reality, that without such power they realize there'd be nothing beneath their phony surfaces but the same old deeply rooted racism and hate. That kind of power lets them ram their fantasisms down all our throats, chain down minorities after selling them on the government-handouts auction block, and at the same time impose on all of us their anti-values, anti-morals, anti-faith, anti-choice hatred of anything that doesn't serve to reinforce their own selfish god complexes—such as deigning that unborn babies shall have their brains sucked out alive if that be Lib's Will.

Now you know why decent people flee the Demextremist Party in droves and join the ranks of the only ones with a century-and-a-half long history of defending civil liberties in this country: the Republicans. Disgusted with the Dhimmi leadership's racist policies, including economic pogroms aimed at increasing minority dependence on government handouts, these runaways from the Demoonbatic Party Prison Plantation had enough of the liberal lashes they were receiving for their refusal to view any American other than by the content of his character and as a fellow citizen. As a rule, Demobigot Rats instantly prejudge everyone by the color of their skin. They've already concluded that "persons of color" are a bunch of inferiors who must be "taken care of"—meaning: "herded, fooled, bridled, and controlled." Conversely, they see every person of non-color as being just as much the racist oppressor of minorities as they are. For example, Republicans accept and hire you because of who you are and your competence as a worker, regardless your skin color. Denialrats do so only because they feel sorry for you if you're a minority; or, if you're not, only because they feel you're a guilt- and hate-ridden racist trying to mask your racism, just like them. Had any of those escapees from DemoTara stayed on the party's plantation, they could've rose through its overseer ranks and engaged in forms of racism more insidious and debilitating than any ever employed by previous Demoonbat masters. Since they aren't racists, they instead decided to break free and become Republicans.

In light of how Dyinggasperats have always been completely unable to get past the superficial, where looks, style and perception hold with them total sway over character, substance and reality, the only wonder left is that more people haven't entirely rejected their party and all that it really stands for by now. They are so second millennium.

Thankfully, in this new millennium the Republican Party is again leading the way toward bettering the lives of every American—regardless his ethnicity or skin color—by appointing to our nation's highest offices persons of color upstanding, remarkable Americans who reject any sort of victim neoslave status; by helping get an overbloated government out of the way of our businesses so we can expand and create jobs and opportunities for all Americans; by driving out the forces of racism and tyranny here at home and abroad, and replacing them with true tolerance and freedom; and by devoting themselves to their communities and supporting the kind of prosperity that raises all ships for every American. Republicans have always been way ahead of their time.

No party has done a better, more steadfast job of defending civil rights for all Americans than the Republican Party. Not surprisingly, this has gotten the Demofantasists very upset. Despite what these historic racial haters say, Jim Crow Dictatorats are not present-day Republicans for the plain, simple fact that the former are practically all dead now. Any of the original ones still alive and kicking are invariably ensconced within the Blamocratic hierarchy's nest. Racism, extremism, and hate aren't genes. They are, however, deeply ingrained characteristics of a political party founded on the principle of "Subordination Before Lenity," all passed unbroken from one generation of its membership to the next. When Demoonbats aren't regurgitating their rancid staple of anti-America spoilage, or doing whatever else they treasonously can to negatively affect a war our country's trying to actually win for her own survival, they are preparing their ropes for those increasing number of emancipated individuals like Justice Clarence Thomas, Secretary of State nominee Condoleeza Rice and her predecessor Colin Powell, former ABA-endorsed judicial nominee Miguel Estrada, Judge Janice Rogers Brown, et al., who had the uppity gall of refusing to reside contentedly in their neoslave quarters and be utterly controlled by power-lusting Demassahrats. The latter's leaders masters and overseers, with hate in their hearts and returning to their racist roots, would rather racially denigrate and pour their bloodthirsty contempt and intolerance on these Americans for daring to leave the Demolyncherat Plantation. But such fearful response to losing their chokehold on anyone who happens to have a darker shade of skin color is all we've been ever able to expect from these cowardly extremists anyway. It's only their party's unpalatable heritage they're valuing when they engage in this special blend of Democrapic bigotry.

No, nobody does racism like Demoslaverats do.™

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Dealing with lame ducks losers


Want the Intelligence Reform Bill to have real legitimacy? Then wait 28 days when all the newly elected members of Congress are sworn in before passing it.

ello? Earth to Washington, D.C.: Hey! have you forgotten this country just had an election? Nine new Senators and 38 new Representatives will be arriving in town on January 3. They are now among the legitimate voices in our Congress. Not SadTom Daschat and his band of beaten blatherers. Any deal made with these leaving Duckolamerats which affects our wartime intelligence will only be illegitimate.

Let all the members legitimately chosen last month by the people have a say in making that deal. Excluding their input will delegitimize any such reform measure. Remember, Washington, the people have spoken. We don't want the bums we threw out to have a hand in making decisions anymore. It would be unwise to ignore that.

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