Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

Tedboat Womanslaughterer al-Qennedy supports I'm The God! I'm The God! Resolution


Given that "is" can mean anything now, Qennedy likes how this bill's definitions might someday be construed as "unelected Dhimmicrat majority."

ary Jo Kopechne understood, albeit too late, that "catastrophic circumstances" means something entirely different to Tedboat than it does to people with undeadened braincells:

Congress passes `doomsday' plan
By Noelle Straub
Sunday, January 9, 2005

WASHINGTON - With no fanfare, the U.S. House has passed a controversial doomsday provision that would allow a handful of lawmakers to run Congress if a terrorist attack or major disaster killed or incapacitated large numbers of congressmen.

Controversial, as in not having any precedent or basis under the Constitution, its text or any law made in pursuance thereof? That's usually SOP for members of the Desperatic Party.

``I think (the new rule) is terrible in a whole host of ways - first, I think it's unconstitutional,'' said Norm Ornstein, a counselor to the independent Continuity of Government Commission, a bipartisan panel created to study the issue. ``It's a very foolish thing to do, I believe, and the way in which it was done was more foolish.''

Unconstitutional, as in attempting to contravene the specific provision of Section 5, Article 1, that clearly states, "a Majority of each [house] shall constitute a Quorum to do Business"? Being the living document that it is, it just grew a "who're able to show up" tumor after its last centennial checkup—at about the time Dhimmi "judges" started getting it hooked on freebasing copious amounts of liberal crack.

But supporters say the rule provides a stopgap measure to allow the government to continue functioning at a time of national crisis.

That's why we have an Executive Branch®, you ninnies. While Congress isn't passing bills to increase funding for Arctic Gnome Lizard Mating-Ritual Research™ or to build yet another bridge named after Mr. Constitution Robert KKK Byrd, the president and our federal agencies are doing their best to execute the myriad laws already in place. There's your stopgap measure. No need for a Five-Year Plan one that lets Qennedy's Qohorts run the Congress until they deem the country's ready again for a new election.

GOP House leaders pushed the provision as part of a larger rules package that drew attention instead for its proposed ethics changes, most of which were dropped.

Just one House leader's name is on this stinkburger: "Rep DeLay, Tom [TX-22]." Surprisingly, every Dippycrat (those able to show up) voted against it and all Republicans for it. Should've been the other way around.

No wonder any changes to increase the House's ethical standards were dropped. Outside that alternate, role-reversed universe into which the House dived on January 4, they would've stuck out like a sore thumb loseral's pointy head.

Usually, 218 lawmakers - a majority of the 435 members of Congress - are required to conduct House business, such as passing laws or declaring war.

But under the new rule, a majority of living congressmen no longer will be needed to do business under ``catastrophic circumstances.''

Instead, a majority of the congressmen able to show up at the House would be enough to conduct business, conceivably a dozen lawmakers or less.

And just see who even pays attention to, much less follows, any "law" passed "unanimously" by only Nancy Pillowsy in the House and Tedboat himself in the Senate while the rest of Congress' members are frantically trying to hitchhike their way back to Washington after a major snow storm Catastrophic Circumstance leads to cancellation of all their flights there.

The House speaker would announce the number after a report by the House Sergeant at Arms. Any lawmaker unable to make it to the chamber would effectively not be counted as a congressman.

So next time Representative Delay gets a head cold and can't come in, his seat immediately becomes vacant. At least that's how Representative Pillowsy will interpret the new rule when she arrives a half hour before the session starts and declares herself Speaker of the House.

The circumstances include ``natural disaster, attack, contagion or similar calamity rendering Representatives incapable of attending the proceedings of the House.''

Does losing all of one's senses as well as everything resembling sane decision-making count as "contagion"? If so, you can declare 220 seats in the House completely vacant as of January 4, 2005.

The House could be run by a small number of lawmakers for months, because House vacancies must be filled by special elections. Governors can make temporary appointments to the Senate.

Maybe then we could elect people who won't one day up and go braindead all of a sudden and pass idiotic changes to the rules.

Rep. Brian Baird (D-Wash.), one of few lawmakers active on the issue, argued the rule change contradicts the U.S. Constitution, which states that ``a majority of each (House) shall constitute a quorum to do business.

``Changing what constitutes a quorum in this way would allow less than a dozen lawmakers to declare war on another nation,'' Baird said.

It's pretty bad when anyone with a "D" after his name gets this and someone with a "R" after theirs doesn't.

Scotty, use the ship's engines to recreate the ion storm, then...Beam. Me. Up.


Adopting rules for the One Hundred Ninth Congress
January 4, 2005.


    (h) PROVISIONAL QUORUM- In clause 5 of rule XX, redesignate paragraph (c) as paragraph (d) and insert after paragraph (b) the following new paragraph:

      `(c)(1) If the House should be without a quorum due to catastrophic circumstances, then--

        `(A) until there appear in the House a sufficient number of Representatives to constitute a quorum among the whole number of the House, a quorum in the House shall be determined based upon the provisional number of the House; and

        `(B) the provisional number of the House, as of the close of the call of the House described in subparagraph (3)(C), shall be the number of Representatives responding to that call of the House.

      `(2) If a Representative counted in determining the provisional number of the House thereafter ceases to be a Representative, or if a Representative not counted in determining the provisional number of the House thereafter appears in the House, the provisional number of the House shall be adjusted accordingly.

      `(3) For the purposes of subparagraph (1), the House shall be considered to be without a quorum due to catastrophic circumstances if, after a motion under clause 5(a) of rule XX has been disposed of and without intervening adjournment, each of the following occurs in the stated sequence:

        `(A) A call of the House (or a series of calls of the House) is closed after aggregating a period in excess of 72 hours (excluding time the House is in recess) without producing a quorum.

        `(B) The Speaker--

          `(i) with the Majority Leader and the Minority Leader, receives from the Sergeant-at-Arms (or his designee) a catastrophic quorum failure report, as described in subparagraph (4);

          `(ii) consults with the Majority Leader and the Minority Leader on the content of that report; and

          `(iii) announces the content of that report to the House.

        `(C) A further call of the House (or a series of calls of the House) is closed after aggregating a period in excess of 24 hours (excluding time the House is in recess) without producing a quorum.

      `(4)(A) For purposes of subparagraph (3), a catastrophic quorum failure report is a report advising that the inability of the House to establish a quorum is attributable to catastrophic circumstances involving natural disaster, attack, contagion, or similar calamity rendering Representatives incapable of attending the proceedings of the House.

      `(B) Such report shall specify the following:

        `(i) The number of vacancies in the House and the names of former Representatives whose seats are vacant.

        `(ii) The names of Representatives considered incapacitated.

        `(iii) The names of Representatives not incapacitated but otherwise incapable of attending the proceedings of the House.

        `(iv) The names of Representatives unaccounted for.-

      `(C) Such report shall be prepared on the basis of the most authoritative information available after consultation with the Attending Physician to the Congress and the Clerk (or their respective designees) and pertinent public health and law enforcement officials.

      `(D) Such report shall be updated every legislative day for the duration of any proceedings under or in reliance on this paragraph. The Speaker shall make such updates available to the House.

      `(5) An announcement by the Speaker under subparagraph (3)(B)(iii) shall not be subject to appeal. [Mmmmwhhhaa haaa hahaha haha]

      `(6) Subparagraph (1) does not apply to a proposal to create a vacancy in the representation from any State in respect of a Representative not incapacitated but otherwise incapable of attending the proceedings of the House.

      `(7) For purposes of this paragraph:

        `(A) The term `provisional number of the House' means the number of Representatives upon which a quorum will be computed in the House until Representatives sufficient in number to constitute a quorum among the whole number of the House appear in the House.

        `(B) The term `whole number of the House' means the number of Representatives chosen, sworn, and living whose membership in the House has not been terminated by resignation or by the action of the House.'.

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I agree with everything Ted Qennedy said


That is, everything after the words "yield our greatest victories."

n honor of the tremendous restraint this way-too-senior senator from Massoqueeretts showed in using the word "quagmire" only thrice, I've composed the following Irish-sounding limerick (substitute Southern accent for his nominally slurred brogue):

There once was a senator named Ted
Who really was quite overfed;
He ran off a bridge,
Hid booze in his fridge,
And didn't care who he left dead.

As someone whose enormous entirety epitomizes the very essence of their party's so-called values, he's the Dhimmis' obvious choice for national chairperson.
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Beware of Chinese bearing fossils



ust the other day I was digging in my backyard, when all of a sudden I stumbled across this weird looking rock formation. It was buried only a few feet below the earth. I pulled out a large chunk that had obviously broken off from the rest of the formation. When I turned it over, I said "Wow!" Embedded in it was something that looked exactly like a fossilized bird, but with a long, dinosaur-like tail that had a fish-like fin at the end of it. Not only that, but also embedded at the place where the dino-birdfish's belly had been was another fossilized creature which looked to all the world like a prehistoric monkey. "Amazing!" I shouted. Here I had evidence of a monkey-eating, birdfish dinosaur. But then I thought, that's stupid. There's no such thing. So I tossed it in the trash with some other junk. It's probably in my local landfill by now.
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UN Comic relief


And the United Nothings is good for what now?

he UNocrats (© The Diplomad) have sent to a five-star hotel near but not too near the tsunami-ravished region United Nations Deputy Emergency Relief Coordinator and the Secretary-General's Special Coordinator for Humanitarian Assistance in Tsunami-affected Countries Margareeta Wahlstrom, whose "job" is to actually help plan meetings! While she's doing that really important work and passing out blue napkins at endless press conferences, the United States, India, Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Spain, and the Netherlands will continue wasting their time—as they have these past many days—unilaterally bringing in food, water, medicine, doctors, nurses, and other rescue and support workers wherever they're needed, together forming a Coalition of the Doing.

TigerHawk for the link to The Diplomad in his (and now my) blogroll.
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Teach a liberal to fish


And hesheit'll still need a Department of "Free" Fish Handouts.

n a year infamous for memos fabricated by the moonbatty Left, here's one that rises to the level of liberal perfidy which, due undoubtedly to The Conspiracy's current focus on conspiring against the forces of equally abundant Idiotarianism elsewhere, apparently hasn't been fisked yet. Not to worry. LC Local 666 is more than willing and happy to do its part to ensure our vastness extends even to this most braindead region of Libdrooldumb.

Date: 10th November 2004
Memorandum for: THE STAFF
From: Slimes assistant managing editor Allan M. Siegal, Chairperson, Credibility Committee [sic]
Subject: Re-examining Our Credibility

In the last year and a half, The Times has deepened and widened its efforts to deserve readers' trust.

By providing Al Jazeera-like cover for DNCBS and Dan Rather's efforts to foist forged anti-Bush memos on the American public? Or defending your own bogus, near election-eve "missing" explosives story?

Most notably, we have appointed a public editor and given serious consideration to his questions and advice;

Dan Okrent has held that job since October 2003. So how come you didn't give "serious consideration" to his advice to skip that bogus "missing" explosives story?—What? He never gave you such advice? Oh. Well, that's different.

...we have required that every unidentified source quoted in the paper be known by name to at least one editor;

But by no one else, of course. Like, say, your readers.

...we have tried to describe our sources and their motives more candidly and usefully.

Let's see, a "source close to the White House" or another "with knowledge of its inner workings." But leaving out such "candid" information as "who worked for the same county Dhimmicratic party in Texas which held fund raisers attended by Dan RaTHer." I can see how doing so would be "useful" to your readers your Leftist-propaganda rag.

We'd like to believe we have reduced our dependence on anonymous sources;

According to the Slimes Style Manual (amended Nov. 3, 2004), every internal staff memo should now contain at least one obviously laughable line like this in order to lighten the considerably gloomy mood prevalent these days throughout the Slimes.

...certainly we have begun trying and intend to push ahead.

Jayson Blair would be proud.

Now, as Bill Keller told us in his town hall meetings before the election,

Town hall meetings? So it's official, then. Slimes is now its own Dull City in A Sinkhole™. All future correspondence with it should be addressed to Mayor Pinch Sulzberger, Jr., 229 West 43rd Street, New York, NY Nytcoville, Lalaland. Concerned readers needn't worry about putting Slimesville on their envelopes by "mistake." Each will wind up in the same circular location as all other such mail.

...we want to examine our practices, and our readers' demands [that you stop being overtly biased all the time], even more thoroughly. We especially want to examine the measures we have NOT yet taken, asking ourselves why not, and whether they could improve our accuracy and accountability.

Just one measure NOT yet taken: Cease being an exclusively Dhimm al-Qratic Party caterer and transcript service. Why not: Because raving socialists don't have too many other places left where they can gather conspicuously to eat tofu and promulgate their loony ideas. Could they improve our accuracy and accountability? Why is this relevant to anyone now? It's not like you have a whole lot of readers around any more who'd even notice.

For that purpose, Bill has asked me to put together a committee of news people to collect and evaluate those possibilities.

Fox. Henhouse. 'Nuff said.

It will be a small group,

Wouldn't want to open it up inadvertently to that overwhelming number of rabble who still think facts and identified sources have a valued place in any of your alleged reports.

...but a central part of its mandate will be to reach out to everyone anywhere in the news department who offers a useful idea.

"Reaching out" to them is usually the prerequisite for effectively slapping such folks down. It's hard to know where they all are unless you convince them they can come out and willingly share their, er hum, Yoozful Idears®.

Some of our first thoughts about proposals to examine include these:

* Can we cut back, or even cut out, our attendance at background briefings by nameless officials?

After all, that's how your favorite Bush-hating former Bush administration official (and Qlinton holdover) Richard "Bandstander" Clarke got busted for having actually praised the administration for its "new strategy that called for the rapid elimination of Al Qaeda." Although your own reporter attended or should have attended this background briefing, you of course conveniently forgot to give it even one mention in all your reports touting every syllable of Clarke's anti-Bush claims hate speech. Certainly would be much easier in the future to omit these kinds of highly relevant facts if you don't ever bother showing up at these briefings.

* Can we otherwise squeeze more anonymous sources out of our pages?

Hey, you forget. Your amended Style Manual requires only one obviously funny line per memo. Still, it'd be funnier if you'd plagiarized Slate's Jack Shafer here:

If the past predicts the future, we should expect the memo to inspire the anonymice[™] to start reproducing in the New York Times [Spew Pork Rinds] faster than tribbles on the starship Enterprise!

At least tribbles are squeezable.

Can we make our attributions (even the anonymous ones) less murky?

Can you write "now working as a top advisor to the al-Qerry Qampaign" on the front page above the fold, instead of just "national security expert who has a very special way of keeping top-secret documents warm" on page A-16 below it? In a word...Nah!

Are there some stories we can afford to skip if they are not attributable to people with names?

You already do that, even when they are fully attributable to such people. Most of those stories are under your rag's nonexistent Special Section subtitled Good News From Iraq.

* Can we encourage writers, in an organized way, to cultivate the respect of our sources by checking back with the people they have interviewed, and making sure they have both words and nuances correct?

Why break your long-standing precedent now? Besides, the only nuances you're demonstrably interested in are those swarming like flies over the incoherent policy statements blitherings of your rag's Diminishingcrat endorsees for president.

* Is there a systematic way to keep track of the errors we make, and analyze their causes, and make better use of training to reduce their frequency?

You ought to hire ol' Kenneth as head instructor for that training. I hear he's looking for a job now. He'll even include his own vintage 1970s instructional material, all typed on a time-traveling Selectric Composer®.

* What are the best practices in our business for accuracy and accountability, and which ones should we adapt or emulate?

Oh, I don't know. How about that best practice of using only the Feature Always Central To Stories, known lovingly by its acronym—FACTS?

* Should we join the small number of papers that send out random questionnaires after publication, to ask our story subjects what they thought of our accuracy and the civility of their encounter with us?

Oh, for rolling on the floor laughing out loud after slipping on a banana peel. Why should The Authority™ stoop so low as to "adapt" the practices of any lesser beings in Msmland? Those subjects of your "stories" should be honored, thrilled and thank Gaia for her merciful noblesse and abundant tree bark that TNOR (That Notorious Old Rag) might take even the slightest notice of their comparably meager existence! So what if you quote them wrong or entirely out of context? Their names—at least those you spelt correctly—appeared in the Slimes. Who could possibly ask for anything more?

* Should we print the writer's e-mail address at the bottom of each story?

What would be the point? It's not like they'd pay any more attention to it than all the snail variety of hate mail they constantly receive. And that from just the non-leftists they invariably malign in their so-called "stories." Or better yet, give them each a cloaked Hotmail account so hesheit can have nearly the same level of anonymity as your sources.

Does our practice have to be identical throughout the staff?

No. There's no reason to start being fair now in anything affecting the way your reporters operate. People might get the unfortunate impression that you're trying to emulate "Faux" News.

Can it differ by department? By writer?

By story? Such as only when you report propagandize for loserals, but not when you do so against conservatives? Maybe just limit it to the Crossword Puzzle Department. That should keep you all accountable.

* Should we consider an electronic spot-check for plagiarism?

You better consult with Raines & Blair, Ltd. about debugging the code first, before you download and install the beta version of that program. It's probably chock full or viruses that'll make your whole system crash and burn as well.

* Should we be responding systematically to outside critics who attack our believability for political or commercial reasons of their own?

You mean besides calling them "racists," "extremists," or "members of the religious right" in your "stories"?

What is an effective vehicle for doing this?

Well, for one, how about referring to those RINO heroes of yours as "Leftist tools" instead of "moderate Republicans"? It'd be a start.

A column by the editor or editors on how we work?

A whole column isn't necessary. Just a few sentences—e.g., "Every single day we chant this Pledge of Allegiance to the Double Standard:

"I pledge allegiance to the double standard of the Spew Pork Rinds of Nytcoville, Lalaland; and to the propaganda value for which it stands. No fact, except buried on Page Z-321 under the fold, ever decipherable, without labels having the most negative connotations for all—all conservatives, that is."

The membership of the committee is listed below.

Hotmail addys not included.

Our introductory meeting will take place on November 11.

At which were heard many a "Hi, I'm Leff Tyst, and I'm a Slimes reporter propagandist." "Hi, Leff."

We expect to meet for a few weeks, but not in marathon sessions like those of the 2003 Siegal Committee.

It did get tiresome after about the seven hundredth "Oh, yeah! Well, Republicans are even eviler than how you characterized them. They're more evil than [insert evil-sounding person (e.g., Hitler) or object (e.g., fascism) here]." Rinse. Repeat.

We're trying to blend many kinds of expertise.

Yeah, not just liberal propagandists, but a few propagandizing liberals this time, too.

We'll be grateful to everyone in the newsroom who has an idea to add to the list above, or who is willing to share thinking with the committee members.

"So we'll know who and where you are. Mmmhmmhmwhahahahahaha."

Many thanks.


David Barstow, Metro
Dana Canedy, National
Rebecca Corbett, Washington
Steve Crowley, Washington Pictures
Kevin Flynn, Metro
Steve Holmes, Washington
Christine Kay, Investigations
Charles Knittle, Metro
Patrick LaForge, Metro
Mike Leahy, Managing Editor's Office
Eric Schmitt, Washington
Terry Schwadron, Newsroom Technology
Al Siegal, Chairman
Phil Taubman, Washington
Duff Wilson, Sports
Diane Cardwell, Metro
Fred Andrews (Rapporteur) [that's *barf* frUNch *barf* for "very unlucky person who gets to sit around recording all those 'I hate Bush more than you' 'No you don't because I hate Bush a lot more' 'Well, I hate Bush a whole bunch more....' for hours on end during each meeting"]

In any case, no one has shared their thinking with them yet because no propagandist at the Slimes is likely ever going to figure out how that thinking thingy works. However, they all thoroughly understand the value of free fish.
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