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Spew Pork Rinds fires its lone 'conservative'

 

Sources say "resignation" just the first of many planned at the newspaper liberal propaganda machine.


T
oken "conservatives" need no longer apply. That's the message being broadcast by the libspaper's management to all potential writers seeking the job left vacant by its first in a planned series of "retirements."

One applicant, who submitted her résumé "just for kicks" after learning of the opening, was not surprised by the reaction she got from the libspaper's personnel department. "I told them I already had four books that topped their own best-sellers list—in fact, the latest is at Number 3 right now—so I'd be perfect for the job. As soon as they picked their jaws up off the floor, they pretty much told me 'don't call us, we'll call you.' It was really a quite entertaining sight." Repeated requests to the libspaper's management for any comment on its refusal to hire such a highly accomplished and qualified author for the columnist position, were all ignored.

Several sources close to the libspaper were not surprised by its oncoming internal shakeup. "I knew there were plans over there to do something like this. I'm just surprised that they hadn't done it a lot sooner," one source said, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Experts say the reason all these shakeups are occurring now is the institution of a new policy at the Rinds geared to weeding out every last vestige of conservatism at the libspaper. "They're its version of insurgents," said Imso Smart, highly overpaid professor at Columbia School of Journalism. "They want to root out the ones still hold up in parts of its paper [liberal propaganda machine]. With the departure of Bill Safired, it looks like they're succeeding."

Another expert said it is normal for a journalism propaganda outfit to engage in such "purges" after miserably failing to accomplish anything from a prolonged partisan effort to snooker voters into electing "one of its own." Libbi Ased, associate director of media relations at PU Research Associates, likened the purges of "conservative" writers now going on at the Rinds to a train derailment. "First you see all those tipped-over boxcars alongside the rails, some at crazy angles or resting atop other cars. The engine out front is still smoldering and rescue working are pulling out survivors. Yet the only thing railroad management wants to do is blame the guy who was sleeping in the caboose."

At least one moronically endowed "writer" is still keeping her job. "I told them I'd be even more shrill and incoherent from now on—that they didn't have to be such a vengeful mob," she said, speaking in a condition of absolute obscurity. "I pleaded with them to let me stay. You can imagine my glistening relief when they told me I would never be the object of their bloodthirsty feelings. The vibe I was getting from them was that they consider me infallible."

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