Liberal Utopia: 'Self-Executing' Will

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last Will and Testament of Dictatørat ~~Politburo~~ Party Members

e, Dictatørat ~~Politburo~~ Party Members, being of unsound "mind" and corrupt body politic, revoking any and all will of the people, do hereby publish and declare this our Last Will and Testament.

Article I

We hereby name, constitute, and appoint as our Executors and Personal Representatives the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), the ~~Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN)~~ Union of Progressives Young and Old Urging Reform Sometime (UPYOURS), and George Soros' MoveOn[Never!].org. (Yeah, we know, what a surprise.) They shall have full power to completely dispose of the rotted corpses of our political careers which will be literally littering the landscape after November 2010, to totally direct the affairs of our dishonorable estate (not to be confused with any of John Edwards' affairs), and to make in and on our behalf any and all decisions we would or might have made had we not tried to sneakily and forcibly shove copious amounts of fascist socialist liberal^[btrt] crap, including ~~Death Snare~~ Health "Care" and ~~Crush-and-Tax~~ Cap-and-Trade, down the American people's throats.

Article II

After all our always-unjustified expenses are paid (by, of course, cooking the books the same way we did every Federal Budget we ever laid our grubby little hands, as well as sundry unmentionable parts, on):

To our favorite lobbyists and special interests such as Big Trial Lawyers and Big Pharmaceuticals and Big Unions, we leave our "hearts," "minds," bodies, "souls" (sorry, Devil, they had first dibs), and whatever microscopic remnant is left of what used to pass for our "principles."

To former House Speaker Nanny Peloseri's vast personal Botox supply and distribution networks, we leave the ever-ready standby boxes of "misplaced ballots" which we were planning to use to steal the next ten or so close elections. Perhaps they can be pasted on the faces of other self-absorbed megalomaniac liberals with much better results.

To former Senate Majority Leader Harry "The War's Lost" Reid's personal gang of under-the-table Nevada land dealers, we leave enough slung mud to build a second, third, and even fourth Hoover Dam. Should be sufficient to compensate them for losing their share of the High-Speed Rail Kickback™ that said Harry "The War's Lost" Reid had hoped to get out of our earmarks-infested ~~Spendulus Porkage™~~ Stimulus Package.

To soon-to-be-former Vice President Joe Biden's unsuccessful team of hair-plugs surgeons, we leave Howard "Scream" Dean's very crumpled and stained copy of So You Want To Be A Veterinarian?

To soon-to-be-former President [sic] Barac[roo]k Hussein [zer]O-bama's teleprompter, we leave the set of eighty-five (85) dual-layered DVD discs titled My Most Wonderful Self's Most Wonderful Speeches ("God-Echo" Edition) which the Queen of England returned to him because they were, among other things, in the non-European NTSC format.

To the soon-to-be-former newspapers and other media which thoroughly bankrupted themselves by always being in the tank for us and always insulting their ever dwindling number of readers' intelligence and common sense with their always overly liberal drivel, we leave our most fond first editions of Marx's Das Kapital, Goebbels' Zie Artz und Zcienze ofz Propagandizingz, and Orwell's 1984.

To Osama bin Laden and other top al-Qaeda terrorists, we leave just about every one of the aforementioned Big Trial Lawyers to represent them in courts of law on American soil and to preserve, protect, and defend their "constitutional rights."

To each and every illegal alien to whom we tried to grant total Amnesty and Citizenship so all of them would become a large enough voting bloc for us that we'd no longer have to pander to any more nasty "moderate" voters Undocumented American (© 2007 Harry "The Surge Has Failed" Reid), we leave our largest decks of race cards and our humble apologies.

Last but in nowise least:

To you, the American people, we leave a steeply declining and collapsing economy, a busted government budget for decades to come, an unprecedented twelve trillion six hundred forty-three billion seven hundred one million four hundred two thousand five hundred twenty-nine dollars and fifty-five cents ($12,643,701,402,529.55) and growing of public debt which you, your children, your grandchildren and great-grandchildren will have to spend your whole lives trying to repay, a nuclear weaponized Islamic "Republic" of Iran, a much less secure Israel, an emboldened al-Qaeda, a worthless "Stimulus," pack after pack of our lies and corrupt bribes and kickbacks, ..., and millions and millions and millions of you permanently unemployed — with no hope at all of ever changing any of this. Enjoy!

Article III

We sign our political party membership's name to, and away our political careers with, this instrument this 18th day of March, 2010, and do declare that we sign and execute the same as our Last Will, that we execute it as our leftist-enslaved and special-interest-beholden act for the purposes expressed herein, and that we are and ever shall be extremely of unsound "mind" and under fascist socialist liberalism^[btrt]'s corrupting constraint and undoing influence.

Dictatørat ~~Politburo~~ Party Members
______________________________

Self-executing Affidavit

We "deem" that the required number of witnesses have affixed their signatures to this instrument. If anyone asks why there aren't, like, you know, actual signatures here, tell them we resorted to the corrupt practice of pretending that they, technically, never really signed their names so that they wouldn't be held accountable and punished for signing on to this charade as they were ~~shredding~~ Slaughtering™ the United States Constitution and undermining, entirely destroying, and otherwise making a mockery of that now completely ignored principle formally known as "the democratic process."

Subscribed and sworn before me this 18th day of March, 2010: