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Columbia Usefulidiotsy

 

"We would've invited Hitler before 1938." -CU Prez


B

e prepared for some Tough Questions™, Mr. Tyrant of Iran. The liberals at Columbia have promised to grill you on your islamaniacal "republic's" repression of women, hanging of homosexuals, support of terrorism, and production of nuclear weapons.

Not:

Columbia Usefulidiotsy's Liberal #1: President [Mahmoud] Ahmadinejad, is it true that it's George Bush's fault that your country has been acting the way it has these past few years?

Islamofascist Repressors of Iran's Tyrant (translated): I'm glad you asked that. I can see that I'm addressing a reasonable and very informed audience. In answer to your question, yes, it has been the president of your country who has been causing us to do what we feel we have to, to respond to his merciless threats against my peaceful country.

CU's Liberal #2: Mr. President, as president of a country that has been under constant threat of attack by a warmongering U.S. president, do you feel that we here in this country should do more to protest the numerous violations of International Law[®] perpetrated by George Bush and his outlaw regime?

IROI's Tyrant: Thank you for your very insightful question. It is, of course, obvious that our peaceful country has done nothing to cause the leader of your country to terrorize the people of Iran as he has. We want nothing but peace and to resolve all conflicts, and all he wants to do is wage war and kill hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians in his quest to conquer our Islamic nation so he can gain control over our oil supplies. But I would hope that the more reasonable people of your country — like all of you here — would rise up and demand that he stop destroying the peace my country has been working so hard to build in our lands. So, yes, I support your desire to protest what he is doing.

CU's Liberal #3: Welcome to Columbia University, President Ahmadinejad. We feel we need to hear from all sides on every issue because we feel that's what leads to mutual understanding and respect, especially in the area of foreign relations. Do you share this feeling?

IROI's Tyrant: Yes. I most certainly do. That's why my country's government has been negotiating in good faith with other countries to resolve any misunderstandings they might have over our peaceful development of alternative energy supplies, such as nuclear electricity. Your own country is trying to move away from its reliance on so-called fossil fuel sources of energy and develop more sustainable ones. That's what we've been trying to do as well; and we feel our country has as much right to do that as yours does.

CU's Liberal #4: Mr. Ahmadinejad, I heard your speech at the United Nations and was most impressed by your call for peace in the Middle East and throughout the entire world. Do you feel that George Bush owes you and the people of Iran an apology for making it less possible for such a peace to occur?

IROI's Tyrant: That is the main reason I accepted your kind invitation to explore and exchange ideas between this exceptionally intelligent student body and myself. I want to raise awareness among all your people about my country's struggle to help the whole world become a more peaceful place for everyone. That way you students can have a better chance to continue your studies without having to live in a constant state of fear that your leaders will plunge your country into another endless war against peoples of different religious beliefs, which only spreads intolerance and mistrust between nations. I want you and all your citizens to know that our Islamic nation wants to be your country's friend and partner in this endeavor, but cannot be so long as you have a government led by people who are intolerant of other religions and who want to destroy everyone's chance of having real peace.

CU's Liberal #5: Thank you, Mr. President, for accepting our invitation to participate in this open forum. Since you feel that our leaders have failed to let you and your country live in peace, do you have any preference of whom you'd like to see lead our country after the next election here? That is, who do you feel will be the one most likely to let you live in peace if she, or maybe he, were elected president of our country?

IROI's Tyrant: I thank you for your question. Normally I am reluctant to impose my opinions on anyone regarding their votes in any election. But in this case I feel I am obligated to express them, not just for my country's sake but for the sake of an entire world that only wants true peace. That's why I can say, without any reservations, that my country's government would be very pleased to see your former First Lady elected president. My good friend, the president of Cuba, wisely says that she and your Barack Obama would make a "seemingly invincible ticket." I agree with President Castro on this and would endorse such a ticket. I know my government could work with her to build a more peaceful relationship between our two countries.



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