Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

I'd Attack the Times Building Too


Since the freakish Slimesball asked....


n his sad, desperate cry for any attention that would somehow make his so-called life at least seem less thoroughly irrelevant than it actually is, official NYSlimes blogger and certified Freakedoutmaniac St…D. Levitt was "thinking" feeling what he would do to maximize terror if he were a terrorist. He then solicits the opinions of everyone who has "far better ideas" than his own. (Of course that would be, as it is for all other areas as well, everyone less freaky than himself.)

Right before he stops accepting comments, he gets this one:

582. August 8th, 2007 7:07 pm

The terrorists require full psychic engagement by the west for their conflict to reach the "clash of civilizations" level they desire.

Since text-based thinkers will rationalize away almost any act against them (in order not to be forced to commit to the dangers of a physical life and its attendant discomforts), and since a large swath of the west are just such aphysical "thinkers", the terrorists must strike at the very heart of these rationalizers' mental security complex in order to push them out of their habitual placation and into an antagonistic mindset... thus achieving full western psychic involvement in the "clash of civilizations". This makes the New York Times building an excellent target.

— Posted by Kevin F

Using up all the fingers he has on his free hand, Terrorist Steve moans out five elements he would consider basic to his "best" plan to kill hundreds if not thousands of innocent people.

It's ironically fortuitous that an attack on the Spew Pork Rinds building treason cell in which everyone inside is killed does possess all his enumerated elements.

I'd start by thinking about what really inspires fear. One thing that scares people is the thought that they could be a victim of an attack. With that in mind, I'd want to do something that everybody thinks might be directed at them, even if the individual probability of harm is very low. Humans tend to overestimate small probabilities, so the fear generated by an act of terrorism is greatly disproportionate to the actual risk.

Could you imagine the shaking in the voices of liberal correspondents sent to cover this mass carnage, as they describe the endless streams of gurneys carrying out the bullet-ridden corpses of Abill al-Qeller, Pinchy Stoolzburger, Francine Rich, and all the other "journalists" who used to be their colleagues? You can just see the uncertainty in their faces and hear their unspoken questions in all those reports — "Will I be next?" "Did we cause this?" "Weren't we being 'objective' enough towards them?" "Is Bush to blame?" (OK, so that last one will be spoken) — each backdropped by the sheet covered bodies and pools of blood blocking the building's broken out revolving front doors underneath that prominent NYSlimes logo.

The sheer panic spreading throughout the bias stream media would leave Terrorist Steve and his freaking invisible friends with an even more entrenched Fifth Column decomposing the ranks of a Fourth Estate that already goes far out of its way to either minimize or flatly ignore their atrocities so it can always accuse President Bush of "causing" such acts of terror.

Also, I'd want to create the feeling that an army of terrorists exists, which I'd accomplish by pulling off multiple attacks at once, and then following them up with more shortly thereafter.

At the same time Terrorist Steve & Company are throwing a writhing Mauronically enDow'd columnist out the Slimes' top floor window so they can watch her explode all across the pavement, several of his fellow freakozombies would be entering the LA Slimes and Waaaahingspin Post buildings to exterminate the progressissy populations there.

The easy slaughter of those hopeless hoplophobes would give the impression that every bastion of LibSpeak bias is the target of Levitt's Legions™.

Third, unless terrorists always insist on suicide missions (which I can't imagine they would), it would be optimal to hatch a plan in which your terrorists aren't killed or caught in the act, if possible.

Playing along with Stevie's freakish fantasy: Before his "army" wipes out everyone in these alleged newsrooms they can force each one's executive editor to personally sign and backdate press badges for Mr. Levitterrorist's freedom fighters. That way, when the police arrive they'll find "a few surviving employees who miraculously escaped the floor-to-floor lineups and executions by hiding themselves in broom closets." Given how utterly plausible such a craven response by liberal reporters would always seem, the police will fully accept their stories and immediately direct them to the nearest grief counselors.

Also, that video turning up afterwards on aljihada.com, which shows them beheading a tearfully pleading al-Qeller amidst his bloodcurdling screams, won't help police catch them because they'll all be wearing hoods in it.

Fourth, I think it makes sense to try to stop commerce, since a commerce breakdown gives people more free time to think about how scared they are.

You think libspaper stories about our ever bustling economy are extremely pessimistic now, just wait until the pall of this Elitist Press Massacre starts to really descend on the lower, remaining tiers of DeMSMoqrat editors after they've all returned from their heroes' funerals. There isn't a Doom-N-Gloom Meter anyone could make which won't completely burn out from any attempt to measure even the least level of DNG coloring their subsequent "reporting."

Fifth, if you really want to impose pain on the U.S., the act has to be something that prompts the government to pass a bundle of very costly laws that stay in place long after they have served their purpose (assuming they had a purpose in the first place).

The greatest of all ironies is the libstream media are going to be the ones clamoring the most for passage of that bundle — and more — no matter what the cost. All the Dhimmiqrats in al-Qongress will rush to cosponsor Mohamted al-Qennedy's USA JOURNALIST ACT, as they and their bylined propagandists vilify each and every Republican who doesn't. Whoever questions its inclusion of funds for a Media Martyrs Monument that depicts the heroic Abull al-Qeller — cast in solid platinum — bravely beating Terrorist Steve over the head with a copy of the First Amendment, they'll label cruel and insensitive. They'll claim that permanently stationing a contingent of National Guard around every newspaper building is wholly justified, assigning Secret Service protection for all editors is a necessary expense, and making the murder or even fifth-degree assault of any j-school grad a capital offense is the most required and effective deterrent ever in the history of mankind. Decades after the last of Osama bin Laden's DNA is scraped off a collapsed cave wall, where it and the rest of him has been all these years, they'll still write editorials demanding some newer expansion of those laws.

Nevertheless, instead of "If You Were a Terrorist, How Would You Attack?" a considerably improved form of public service — to the freaks of nature Terrorist Steve is trying to help — would've been his posting under the title, "If You Were a Progressive Liberal, How Would You Surrender?"

Better yet: "If You Were a Traitor, How Would You Blog?"

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