Saturday, October 08, 2005
On or around September 13th...
got a head cold, which my lawyers had said isn't illegal to the best of their knowledge and belief. I went to the ATM and withdrew about $10 from my checking account, which my lawyers advised me I could do without violating current state or federal laws. I took that $10, left the ATM, drove to a drug store, parked my car in front of said store, got out of my car, then went inside the aforementioned store. My lawyers assured me all this is (legally speaking) hunky-dory too. I went down the medicine aisle and found a box a Sudafed. I then picked up the Sudafed box with my right hand, turned it over and read the label to see if there wasn't some kind of warning saying what I was doing (reading the back of a Sudafed box or merely handling it) is unlawful. I didn't find such a warning. So I took the Sudafed box to the checkout counter, waited till it was my turn, put the Sudafed box on said counter, then took out my $10 and handed it to the drug-store associate. She placed the Sudafed box inside a small plastic bag before handing it back to me. She also handed me three unmarked one-dollar bills in U.S. currency, along with two quarters, a dime, and one penny (which turned out to be a Canadian penny, by the way). My lawyers said this transaction isn't a violation of any known local, state, federal, or international law either. I proceeded out of the drug store, got back into my car, cranked it up, put it in gear, and started to drive away. Unfortunately, another customer was backing up out of the parking space directly behind me at the same time and our two cars bumped each other. The other driver and I examined both vehicles and, upon mutually agreeing that no visible damage had been done to either, got back into our respective cars and drove away in opposite directions. At some point later that same day, I arrived at my home and parked my car in the driveway, which my lawyers claimed I could legally do. I got out of my car and went inside my home, taking along the small plastic bag that contained the Sudafed box I purchased earlier from the drug store using the $10 I had withdrawn beforehand from the ATM machine. I went directly to my kitchen, got a drinking glass out from the cabinet, placed the glass (open end up) approximate three inches under the kitchen sink's faucet, turned on the faucet, and filled the glass nearly halfway up with water before turning off the aforesaid faucet. Then I took the Sudafed box out of the small plastic bag, opened said box, and extracted one Sudafed pill from its container. (This is what the Sudafed box's label itself recommended I do.) I placed the extracted Sudafed pill inside my mouth, took a large sip of water, and swallowed both the pill and that water at the same time. Approximately one hour later, my head cold felt better, which my lawyers believed was allowed under all relevant statutes.
Exactly three years to the day after the aforementioned events took place, I was served a notice by America's D.A.™ Ronnie Earle saying that he had gotten one of his grand juries to indict me for conspiracy to attempt unlawful establishment of one or more meth labs, as well as for international money laundering in connection with said attempted establishment of said meth lab(s). He also indicted the half glass of water I drank to wash down that Sudafed pill on the charge of conspiracy to attempt unlawful destruction of criminal evidence.
I hear he's willing to let me cop a plea with him on the lesser, unrelated charge of failure to exchange insurance information with the motorist whose car I bumped in the drug store's parking lot, provided I agree to mention on my Web log that all corporation money is evil. So in the interest of doing what Ronnie Earle dictates is The Right Thing®, I hereby state (albeit under extreme duress):All Corporation Money Is Evil!Attested by me on the posted date shown herein:
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