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Must. Not. Gloat.


Must. Not.... (My Hero)

'Black Tuesday' Continues: NYT Co. Cutting 500 Jobs
By E&P Staff
Published: September 20, 2005 4:37 PM ET

NEW YORK The New York Times Co. announced a staggering staff reduction plan Tuesday that will likely mean some 500 job loses at the company's many properties, including an expected 45 newsroom positions at The New York Times newspaper and 35 at The Boston Globe.

In a memo to staffers, company chairman Arthur O. Sulzberger, Jr. and CEO Janet Robinson wrote: "We regret that we will see many of our colleagues leave the Company; it is a painful process for all of us. We have been tested many times in our 154-year history as we are being tested now." They promised this would not impact the quality of the paper's journalism.

ou could replace everyone in your newsroom with typewriter-wielding monkeys, Pinch, and even that wouldn't impact it. The advantage, of course, is you could get away with paying them peanuts. The disadvantage, of course, is you really couldn't get away with paying them peanuts because, ironically, PETA and all the other animal rights groups you shillingly support would sue your company straight into bankruptcy for such cruelty to animals. (Forcing them to even show up at the Slimes DNC Transcript Service is cruel enough.)

Oh, that's right — almost forgot: Must. Not. Gloat.

In a press release distributed Tuesday afternoon, the company said it "plans to begin the staff reductions in October and implement them over the course of the next six to nine months."

The news followed an announcement earlier in the day from Philadelphia Newspapers Inc., owner of the Philadelphia Daily News and the Philadelphia Inquirer, would seek to cut 100 jobs through buyouts.

"This represents a continuation of the initiatives the Company began earlier this year to find ways to operate more efficiently," a statement with the release said. "As a result of these efforts, the Company identified areas where it could function effectively with fewer people. Earlier this year the Company reduced its staff by approximately 200 positions, or about 2%."

It's simple economics, really: The public's demand for parakeets and other domesticated birds has dropped sharply in the last year or so. Therefore there's less demand for bird cages. This in turn directly affects the demand for birdcage liner. So it is the economy, stewwpidd.

Oops.... Must. Remember.: Must. Not. Gloat.

Times company spokeswoman Catherine Mathis said specific decisions about how the reductions would be made, through buyouts or layoffs, had not been determined. "We are in the process of formulating that," she told E&P. "It is a combination. We don't know at this point."

Times Executive Editor Bill Keller could not immediately be reached,

He went into hiding, figuring that no can reductionize you if they can't find you.

...while Globe Editor Martin Baron declined a request for comment.

He was too busy watching the premier of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, taking notes on how best to say, "You just don't fit, goodbye."

Oh, yeah. I mean — Must. ...I. Repeat. ...Must. Not. Gloat.

The cutbacks will include about 250 positions at The New York Times Media Group, including the 45 newsroom jobs at the Times newspaper. Other properties in that group include the International Herald Tribune and NYTimes.com. Specific reductions for those properties were not revealed.

At the New England Media Group, some 160 positions, including those at the Globe, will be lost. Other outlets within that division are the Worcester Telegram & Gazette and Boston.com. Another 80 job cuts will be spread across the company's regional newspapers, broadcast outlets, and corporate staff, Mathis said, but did not offer specifics.


The memo to staffers from Sulzberger and Robinson read[s]:

"Given the continued financial challenges

Again, simple economics: You can't do business with people who don't have any money.™ Whacked-out leftists and hippies don't have any money. Whacked-out leftists and hippies are about the only ones expressing any demand for your product these days. Ergo, unless you take that last, albeit very, very short step of yours to a total embrace of communism — with you being the each according to his abilities, and they the each according to his needs — you'll soon find you'd be hard pressed (pun intended) to "sell" any papers DNC transcripts at all.

Or you could unilaterally adopt a Peanut-Based Economy (© Jimmy Judas al-Qarter) as well as all those knuckle-dragging primates (the new hires, not your current newsroom staff). That way the hippies could scurry around zoos, any visiting circuses, or even those city parks they camp out in, scrounging up your monkeys' "paychecks."

Just trying to be helpful, 'sall.

...and the cloudy economic outlook for the remainder of the year,

Freudianslip alert! Perhaps your new-found interest in weather, coupled with your obsessive blaming of President Bush not only for whatever Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head (© Burt KoolAid-Slurpper Bacharach — Nickie Goomba) but for every other meteorological and climatological phenomena known to mankind, contributed to your choice of the word cloudy?

Just asking. (...Not. ...Gloating.)

...we believe it is prudent and necessary to initiate this additional reduction. We will be working through the bargaining issues with our unions

Mwhahahah hahahahahahahahahahah

That is... Good luck. Don't be surprised when they start quoting from story after story of the lowly oppressed and exploited underdog union worker who fights all alone an inspirationally brave battle for his noble proletarian rights against some InherentlyPureEvil Corp., Inc. or another which you invariably slight and oftentimes blatantly slander, all breathlessly reported in that DNC transcript service propaganda ministry of yours.

I. Ron. NY.

...and will observe all contractual obligations, including severance where applicable.

"The Company plans to manage the staff reductions in such a way that we continue to provide our readers, users, listeners and viewers with journalism of the highest quality

Must. Not. Gag. Either.

...and that our operations function smoothly on a day-to-day basis. This will help ensure that we achieve our long-term strategic goals.

Pardon me while I consult my trusty Official VRWC Liberalese-English Dictionary (3d edition).... Ah, here it is. Under "goal":

—idiom. Long-term Strategic Goals. The sum set of all purposeful [willfully seditious and treasonous] actions (by a progressive entity [DNC, islanimalfascists, MSM, other enemies of America]) aimed at thoroughly demoralizing Americans in times of war so as to bring about their nation's total submission and defeat, repeatedly demonizing any and all conservative officeholders until they have bleatingly joined themselves at the hip with Senator M[qQ]ain, undermining each and every traditionally-held cultural norm and value with enough withering scorn that it completely collapses into an entirely unrecognizable, meaningless heap, and utterly destroying whatever resistance may be found to universal imposition of a purely socialistic command economy and the individual's unbreachable dependence on, servitude to, and fawning worship of government [godvernment].

Now aren't you happy I was able to help clear that up for your audience there, Pinch? In case they didn't already know and stuff?

"We regret that we will see many of our colleagues leave the Company;

Just as one would regret seeing many passengers piling into rowboats and leaving the Titanic, I suppose.

Mussssst. Nooooooot. Gloaaaaaaaat.

...it is a painful process for all of us.

Especially if you happen to be among the us's getting reductionized, eh, Pinch?

We have been tested many times in our 154-year history as we are being tested now.

There are so many minus signs following the big red F's on your latest series of tests, they might as well all be G's. Maybe if you pull 1,215 all-nighters you'll get a "B" on the final. Then you can say you made up at least one G w/ B.

Bonus question! If an American soldier came face-to-face with a North Vietnamese soldier (or fanatic islanimalterrorist, take your pick) whom would you want to see shot?

Oh, that's right. In terms of loyalty, you failed that one too.

We know that our collective talent

Might surpass that of fifth grader with acute Attention Deficit Disorder. (But only if you caught him on a bad day.)

...and commitment will ensure our long-term success.

If you mean helping get record numbers of Republicans elected throughout all levels of government, then yes. It's been a glowing (I could even say gloatable) success.

Over the course of the past year we have taken many steps to improve the performance of our Company, including creating new products and services,

"Now reinforced with double-ply bias!" Our birds (and puppies) are going to simply love you for it.

...acquiring and investing in existing and new businesses,

I don't know about pouring more money into that new line of "Welcome to Camp Casey Crazy" T-shirts. They haven't been selling as well as you'd expected.

Now a monkey kennel — that's where the bread is! Trust me. You can spread a lot of peanut butter on it all, too.

No, no. No need to thank me. Just consider it my contribution to helping us find yet one more way to help make our economy grow (in this case by creating good-paying jobs for all the woefully under-employed monkey breeders out there).

...and finding ways to lower costs.

If you give a monkey a typewriter, he'll work at DNC Transcript Service for a day. If you teach him to type, he'll be named the company chairman.

Think about it.

These are important steps that position us well to meet the challenges we face and we will continue to invest in our businesses as we move forward."

As the monkey said about his tail after he backed into the lawnmower.... Er, that is—

Must! Not! Gloat!

In a related story...

DeadAir Amerika's feeding tube has just been removed. Netwurq in death-watch mode (Radio Equalizer via Overtaken by Events).
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