Intercepted chatter about al-Qaeda's newest network of terrorist cells:
SAMA BIN LADEN: Hello?
HASAN AL-UMAR (CELLS COORDINATOR): May I speak to Shaykh Bin-Laden?
UBL: Who is this? How did you get this number?
HAU: "The blood flows over the infidels' bodies..."
UBL: "...like moonshine across my herd of goats."
HAU: Shaykh! How's it been goin'? What's shakin'?
UBL: Is this Sulayman or Hasan? I'm always getting you two mixed up.
HAU: It's me. Hasan. I called you a couple of months ago about our plan to form a new operation inside the very belly of the Great Satan.
UBL: You'll have to refresh my memory. There's been so many inside-the-belly plans, I can't keep track of all of them. You aren't talking about the one where we kidnap that infidel Chris Matthews and replace him with a look-alike, are you?
HAU: No, no, Shaykh. We dropped that one after deciding that keeping the original was much better for us. At least I think we dropped it.
UBL: Ah, that's right. Then to which ITB plan are your referring?
HAU: The one regarding the useful-idiot infidel tools who were planning to protest the Republican National Convention.
UBL: Yes, I remember. You wanted to know whether showing up at their meetings with a Palestinian flag or an old Iraqi one would win them over more quickly.
HAU: That's right. But we decided to bring both and it worked like a charm.
UBL: The infidels accepted you into their meetings?
HAU: Absolutely. Not only that, they made Sulayman a so-called co-chairperson of one of their Israel is Evil committees! Although I believe his donating that $25,000 to them for protest activities had more to do with it.
UBL: Fantastic. How's it been going? Have you made progress with the other cells?
HAU: Better than we ever expected. They are all in place. We had only one unexpected expenditure when about twenty of our brothers had to buy geeky-looking ten-speeds and bike helmets for some of the protests.
UBL: You still have enough funds, then?
HAU: Oh, yes, Shaykh. This has otherwise been a very inexpensive operation. Seems the infidels from the major useful-idiot groups like that Soros operation and the Democratic National Committee are paying for practically everything, including our nice hotel rooms.
UBL: But they still accepted your donations, didn't they?
HAU: Without question. Literally. They didn't even blink an eye when one of our cells' leaders gave them six $10,000 checks from that fake Bank of United Bahrain, Ltd.—or Bank of UBL. They're such idiots!
UBL: But useful ones, Hasan. Always remember that.
HAU: Of course, Shaykh. I will.
UBL: Now tell me, have you been able to discern what is it they're protesting?
HAU: Not really, Shaykh. Our brothers have tried to find out if there was one thing we could work on to antagonize their all-consuming anger at the Infidel Invader George Bush. But we keep getting answers like he stole the election, or he's like Hitler, or he wants to shred the Bill of Rights, or he talks funny. I believe they hate him more than we do, Shaykh.
UBL: You're right, Hasan. They are idiots. At least he doesn't try to stop them from carrying out their plans and operations like he did us. Or invade our friends who were helping us and remove them from power. We're the ones who have something to complain about, not them.
HAU: Exactly, Shaykh. When one of our brothers brings up Iraq, for example, all he gets is that it's only about oil, that Bush-Hitler went it alone, or that he should've given the sanctions more of a chance. It's so very frustrating to try to pin them down on anything that might could make some sense.
UBL: Then don't try. Just have our brothers work on stirring up as much general hatred among the infidels whenever they can. It will further our aims all the same.
HAU: We are. Just yesterday our brother Mukhtar got one of the protesting groups to organize a small march on one of the false-religion churches. Ironically, we found out once we got there that several of the protesters were going to need to sign up at that same church for some emergency housing.
UBL: What was the march about?
HAU: The protesters couldn't make up their minds. A few wanted to stop tax-exempt privileges for churches. Others had signs saying Republicans Go Home. Still more wanted the words "under God" removed from the infidels' pledge.
UBL: So you had a march against multiple things?
HAU: Yes, Shaykh. All together, I haven't seen so many angry, hateful people in one place since the Al Qa'ida's final Kill-All-Americans Convention in Qandahar [in Afghanistan] before the invasion.
UBL: Oh, yes. That was a great meeting. The amount of hate and anger there even scared me.
HAU: I remember. I didn't think I'd ever see that much hatefulness again. That is, until our brothers and I infiltrated these infidels' protest groups. They would make easy targets if you would like to turn this into a major martyrdom operation, Shaykh. We are prepared for that too.
UBL: The other shaykhs and I haven't decided yet. We would have to use more gas than we have to make it effective in those crowded, open areas you have there. If only that infidel invader of theirs [President George W. Bush] hadn't interfered with our encouraging supplies from the Iraqi security groups [under Saddam Hussein's former regime], we probably would've had enough for even that. Nonetheless, "Allah will torture them, with your hands, he will torture them. He will deceive them and he will give you victory."
HAU: We will await your answer, whatever it might be. Our brothers and I came for jihad, and find ourselves ready to do what is best, and Allah will bless us.
UBL: You still have some time. We will let you know more about it in the coming days. We will never stop our raids so long as we have brothers like yourselves, trained to carry out huge events where you are needed.
HAU: Thanks be to Allah.
UBL: Allah bless you. By the way, don't call again at this number.
HAU: You believe it may be monitored?
UBL: It's not clear. One of our brothers arriving tomorrow will have a new one for you.
HAU: I'll tell Sulayman when he returns from the No We-Support-Our-Troops' Blood for Any Unilateral Republican Oil's Depressed Economy and Dollar Collapsing to Boost War Profiteering and Closing of Our Firehouses During a Health-Care Crisis protest.
UBL: The what?
HAU: From another of those We Hate a Bunch of Stuff marches, as our brothers like to call them.
UBL: Oh. Well, try not to mix too freely at night with these wicked people. You may wind up with a strange disease or, worse, a confused brain.
HAU: We won't, Shaykh. Besides, many of them smell worse than Sulayman.
UBL: That is bad.
HAU: Tell me about it. Anyway, we'll be going to more protests after we get that new number.
UBL: May Allah bless you all. Goodbye.
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