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Qerry's secret plan for Iraq


Thinking a blog called Liberal Utopia was among those with a "need to know," the al-Qerry campaign sent its owner all 4 pages of Senator Qhristmas-in-Qambodia's secretive plan. (Big mistake.)

T O P - S E C R E T

clearance level: Need To Know

DISCLAIMER: John, John & Hanoi, LLC, has been duly authorized to release this document solely to certain radical liberal organizations and Web logs. Any further distribution or publication of this document in whole or in part without the express written consent of Berger Longjohns & Associates, Inc. will result in severe civil prosecution by a veritable army of big trial lawyers and Herman Munster hair products.

A Moore Sensitive War

My Top-Secret Plan for Iraq

by J.F.Q.
(codename: Lurch)

Have you never been mellow? Have you never tried to find a comfort from inside you? Of course you haven't. Unless you're one of those who like to rush to war at the drop of a hat (not like my lucky one). Even if this rush took over a year, that still doesn't mean it wasn't a rush. That's so unmellow it'd harsh even the most TeddyK-sized buzz.

I will never rush to war no matter what the provocation. Blow up the Capitol dome. I won't rush. Nuke San Francisco. I'll remain as mellow as I was before Mayor Newsome and his staff became radioactive heaps in front of City Hall. Sarin-gas every trader on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. That definitely won't make me hurry.

No, rushing to war is bad. It must never be done. That's why I've developed this plan for what we should've done in Iraq. I also included somewhere, I think, something about what I think we should do there now, but I've forgotten where it is exactly. You'll just have to hunt for it. I promise it's there. Just don't go rushing out on me now. Besides, rushing's bad. Remember? If you don't already have that seared—seared—in you, then you probably have no business reading this plan in the first place.

Now where was I? Oh, yeah. Rushing. When it involves war, it's a really bad thing. You must never do it or else you'll wind up in a quagmire like we are in Iraq. Sure, it's been liberated from a foreign leader who'd probably be endorsing me right now had we not rushed to war so rushedly last year; and it's gotten its sovereignty back and is on its way to having a new, democratic constitution as well as unprecedented free elections. But that still doesn't mean we were right to rush any of that. We could've waited some. You know, like given that leader a few moore chances to come around and obey International Law, to stop filling up mass graves, trying to make nuclear bombs, and harboring and supporting terrorists, and to make sure the Oil Money-for-France Food-for-Oil money was being used to feed The Children rather than build more bunkers and palaces. Eventually, Saddam Hussein would've relented after being impressed with our utter refusal to ever rush to war. He would've realized we were going to keep at him, passing resolution after resolution in the UN for years, if not decades, until he forsook every one of his unacceptable actions. Then he could start doing good things instead, and everyone would be happy.

That's my plan. Oh, wait. You probably still want to see that part about what we should do in the future, post rush-to-war. Well, when I became a big trial lawyer after, by the way, I served in Vietnam, one of the first things I learned is that the best thing you can do when you find something's bad is to return things back as much as you can to their status quo ante. (Don't worry if you don't understand legal terms like that. I still haven't seared—seared—in me most of them myself. So you shouldn't feel bad.) So, I was thinking, we could convince the Iraqis to undepose their former president and let him be their dictator again for a while. Or a few decades. However long it takes for the UN resolutions to finally start working on him. In the meantime we could pull all our troops out of Iraq, ask France and Germany—and even North Korea and Iran—to join our coalition, and sit around in the sands of Saudi Arabia and Kuwait until Saddam Hussein (after being very grateful to us for setting him free and back in a position of absolute power) is thoroughly convinced that it's in his best interest to be less bad of a dictator.

(that's French for "The End.")

[Pages 2-4 were filled with nothing but vidcaps from al-Qerry's hagiographic, self-filmed biopic Vietnam and Me: How Nixon Was in Office on 12/25/68 Before He Took Office on 1/20/69.—LR (Thanks to Sir George for many indispensable and inspiring annotations.)]
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