Liberal Utopia

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If Ninny Peloseri's 'rules' were baseball's...


(Every team would lose.)


artial list of what those rules would be were Madam Do-Nothing (besides take long vacations) Stinker of the House Pelooni baseball's instead of al-Qongress' dictator-in-chief:

If the other team is up at bat and you have a very weak pitcher, you can call time out until all that team's batters die of old age.

No batter may ever "drill a ball" to left, center, or right field, because any such drilling can only be considered a "hoax."

A pitcher may refuse to pitch to any batter who has a high batting average if that pitcher keeps shrieking, "I'm trying to save the planet! I'm trying to save the planet!"

If the other team's star pitcher took more than five minutes to strike out your batter, you can declare that your batter actually hit a home run because "longitude (time) is more fascinating than latitude (stars)."

More and more of the baseballs, gloves, bats, and other equipment your team uses must be manufactured in countries that either are worse polluters of the environment than yours or are aiding or harboring terrorists, or both.

No new baseball or glove may be made of anything other than "alternative leather"; nor any new baseballs' filler or stitching made of anything other than "alternative yarn" or "alternative cotton"; nor any new bat made of anything other than "alternative wood." Also, all such "alternative" leather, yarn, etc., must be heavily subsidized by American taxpayers.

To conserve cotton, the 108 double stitches on every older, regulation baseball must be reduced to 27.

To increase "runner efficiency," every batter who hits the ball must be able to make it to at least second base. Otherwise, the batter will be called out.

When the bases become loaded, the runner on third will be automatically called out. This is the Windfall Runners Tax® rule.

Your team is allowed to stretch out the Seventh Inning Stretch up to five weeks if over 90 percent of the stadium's paid attendees believe you're playing a lousy game or if you'd rather be off on tour somewhere selling your lousy book, or both.

If you promise the fans that their ticket prices will go down once you "take control" of the stadium, but not long after you do those prices instead go up 33 percent, you may blame every visiting team, ticket salesman, printer, turnstile operator, umpire, locker-room janitor, or anyone else (other than yourself, of course) for the higher ticket prices.

When the fans get wise and blame you for the extremely high ticket prices you've been forcing them to pay, you may threaten them and the team owners, too, by saying you're going to "nationalize baseball."

A "dugout" sounds too much like it involved some type of drilling. So from now on there's a moratorium on the construction of any new dugouts.

No batter can hit his way out of a slump. He must bunt his way out instead. (This rule "works" especially well after the umpire has ejected from the game all known facts.)

If you really feel it would take at least ten innings for the other team to score a run with its batters using bats, you may force that team to wait over thirty innings to see whether it could with just its bat boys using only unicorn horns.

Pitchers' wind ups can and will be harnessed to power all stadium lights.

Each league must be composed of only "hybrid teams" such that at least half the players on each are vegetarians.

No new rule may be added to the ones above unless it effective does one or more of the following: slows down the game to no more than a crawl, jacks up ticket prices until only the Top One Percent™ can afford them, aids and comforts one or more of the country's enemies, gets a large portion of the stadium's employees permanently laid off, replaces any or all team owners with government bureaucrats, causes massive corndog shortages at the concession stand, greatly increases the cost of equipment, impoverishes the players, enriches those mandating "alternative  (fill in the blank) ," or otherwise turns baseball into a nationalized pastime.

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