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Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

Git Yer On Dam Internets, U.N.

 

And it would go a little something like this...


T

urtle Bay (Asssocialisted Press) – United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon[bat] today announced the formation of a new international secretariat to create and operate an alternative global Internet system which would compete directly with the current, US-based one accessed by millions of users every microsecond.

Mr. Ki-moon[bat] said the US-based system is "monopolistic and corrupt and impossibly unreformable." The new system, he says, would be "run completely by an international body that will use United Nations resources [funded mostly at US taxpayers' taxedsuckers' expense, of course] to offer a more world-friendly Internet experience for everyone."

The new body, titled the United Nations World Online Resource and Knowledge Access Base Using Localless Lines (or simply UNWORKABULL), would run a separate Internet infrastructure headed by a special UN deputy secretary.

Calling it "New World Online," Mr. Ki-moon[bat] expects that the UN-managed system will eventually replace the US-based one and become the sole means of all peoples' access to the Internet.

"We will control it. We will run it. But most importantly, you [We] will like it," he said.

Users of the new Internet — or "HumaNET," as it would be known [™'s be damned] — will notice some very substantial differences between it and the current Internet.

Most noticeably, all users are charged a "fee for access" paid directly to the United Nations every time they log on to the HumaNET. The amount of that fee is still being discussed, but many observers close to the discussions feel it "won't be unreasonable — a few pennies or so at the most, that's all."

Also, no private company will be allowed to offer consumers telephone, cable, or wireless access to the HumaNET. Instead, UNWORKABULL will set up branches in every country for opening "world citizen accounts," with each account directly managed and monitored by a central office at United Nations headquarters.

Web-site ownership will be a thing of the past as well. Instead of a World Wide Web, the "World Wide Commons [Commune]" is what people are going to browse.

According to UNWORKABULL's published rulebook, domains are alloted only to "those persons and organizations committed to promoting world peace and unity." Further, no domain "trustee" may ever claim "any ownership whatsoever beyond that which the Deputy Secretary for UNWORKABULL deems absolutely necessary over any of the material offered anywhere by him/her/other" on the domain. This rule, Mr. Ki-moon[bat] says, is needed to ensure a "totally share and share alike" environment across the HumaNET.

Everything users see and hear on the HumaNET will respectively have a new look and sound, too.

Under UNWORKABULL's rules, "Every World Wide Commons [Commune] site, page, document, file, image, video, power point presentation, or other screen-viewable material must visibly and prominently display at all times the official United Nations logo." Music and other audio files, such as MP3 downloads, would each contain an officially approved 10-second snippet of either "It's A Small World (After All)" or "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing (In Perfect Harmony)" at the beginning.

"This World Wide Commons [Commune] is everyone's," Mr. Ki-moon[bat] said. "Our job is to make sure it stays that way."

Part of that job, he says, is prohibiting "hate speech of any kind" on the HumaNET. Filters and methods for blocking and eliminating what he describes as "undesirable" material or even whole sites on the World Wide Commons [Commune] would be a mandatory feature.

An example Mr. Ki-moon[bat] gives is the presence and propagation of "climate-change denial" sites and messages on the current Internet. "The United Nations has, in effect, declared such denial to be criminally irresponsible. So it will find no place on our [Our] World Wide Commons [Commune]."

UNWORKABULL plans to start opening world-citizen accounts for users as soon as the United Nations approves its initial budget [bilks US taxpayers taxedsuckers — again].

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