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Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

other days' Page 37...

 

of the NY Slimes.


H

eadlines and excerpts of future breaking stories the obsolescent rag would consign to the same nether regions it buried the JFK terror plot:


Scientists Discover 'Liberalism' Gene, Say It's A 'Dead-End Fatal Mutation'

If, as they claim, this previously unknown gene actively blocks a human being's normal instinct for self-preservation, it could mark the....


George Bush Wins Nobel Prizes for Economics and Peace

Some are calling the rare dual winnings of what were once reputable international prizes the "worst travesty Nobel has known" in its 107-year history. Others have demanded an immediate independent investigation of the events leading to this "clearly unmitigated disgrace." But on a fireplace mantel in Crawford, Texas — at least for the time being — there now sits two....


Jimmy Carter's Doctors Confirm He's Had A Peanut Lodged in His Brain 'for Over 50 Years'

While he suspects it's the result of a youthful "conveyor belt accident," the former president, who's recovering from an emergency biopsy performed late Wednesday night, said....


UN Security Council Agrees on Definition of 'Terrorism'

Diplomats who opposed a resolution that attributes the root of most international militancy movements to "radical Islamofacism," say they are very disappointed that the majority of....


Al Gore Arrested and Indicted on Charges of Fraud, Conspiracy, and Negligent 'Coldening Effect'

Defense attorneys for the former vice president are confident that the negligence charges against him will be dismissed. However, they still face the "remote possibility" that....


New York Times Company Files for Bankruptcy Protection

Whether a lack of intelligent readers among an idiot public, or the constant Abu Ghraib-like torturous hounding of its editors by officials in the Bush administration, the New York Times Company board of the directors felt that assigning such blame now would not....


Bill Clinton Offers Latest Mistress '1000th Customer Served' Shopping Spree

The head of CUNY's cultural studies program was not surprised to hear that conservative commentators find such a harmless diversion "distasteful." But he's worried that a growing trend towards....


Al Qaeda Surrenders Unconditionally

In the aftermath of Osama bin Laden's apparent execution by his former followers, U.S. officials are saying....


Iraqis Experience Fifteenth Straight Month of 'Zero Violence'

On what used to be the front lines of a deadly civil....


Poll Finds Increasing Number of Americans Reject Progressive 'Agenda'

Asked about a recent survey that also shows one in four progressives view dying protesting loudly for their beliefs "always acceptable," the American Constitution Society for Law and Policy noted that many....


France, Britain, and Germany Jointly Call for EU's Establishment of 'Europe Loves America Week'

Seen by some as only a "symbolic good-will gesture" of their countries' ostensibly improved relations with George Bush in particular and the United States generally, leaders of three European nations are describing their proposed proclamation a...


Fire Melts Rosie O'Donnell

Firefighters found the solid steel lounge chair on which the former host of "The View" had been sitting also "completely" melted. However, it was not clear that the cup found next to....


FBI Says Illegal Immigration 'Main Cause' of Rising Crime Rates

Even as a number of experts continue to dispute some of the conclusions contained in the agency's report, officials at the Federal Bureau of Investigation are stubbornly standing behind the annual....


John Edwards Admits Paying $1,000 for A Haircut

While insisting that all but 99 percent of the total he paid last week for a haircut was actually for the tip, presidential candidate John Edwards found himself embroiled in another....


William Jefferson Found Guilty on All Counts

Although prosecutors failed to present any evidence showing he was ever a member of any party whose name contains a "D" anywhere in it, the Louisiana congressman...

Rejected version of above submitted by a subsequently sacked reporter:
THE JEFFERSON VERDICT: Failure to Take Charges Seriously Puts Speaker on the Defensive

A full day after a jury found William Jefferson, Democrat of Louisiana, guilty of racketeering, conspiracy, bribery, and all other charges against him, the office of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was still in damage-control mode. When asked about the National Guard convey Mr. Jefferson commandeered from rescuers in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, allowing him to retrieve incriminating papers from his flooded home as people were literally dying around him, and why even that wasn't enough to raise the Speaker's suspicions about the congressman's integrity, Ms. Pelosi said she didn't have time to focus on "one bad apple" when "the country needed (her) to organize a Congress that would stand up first and always for the children."


John Murtha's Brain Donated to Science

Vowing to remain a member of Congress anyway, the multi-term representative from Pennsylvania said, "I have a lot to do yet, and it helps to not feel so weighted down anymore." Meanwhile, university researchers who've already begun examining the slide that holds his entire donation, complain their electron microscope isn't powerful enough to....


Tests Find Ink Used in NYT Newspapers 'Causes Cancer'

Apart from the many other hysterical claims made in recent years by the so-called Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — a "public health facility" located in a state that voted for George Bush in the last two presidential elections — several leading scientists are also citing its latest disputed analysis as another example of what appears...


Republicans Sweep Elections

It may have been premature of Harry Reid to declare his party's future chances "all lost," say two aids of the Nevada senator. But the election-night defeatism was just part of the....


Cities with Higher Rates of Gun Ownership 'Experience Lower Crime'

Former Emory University professor Michael Bellesiles is not buying it. Not for one minute. "Everyone knows that guns kill people. So when more people own guns, more people die," he said after skimming through a study commissioned by the American Medical Association which reportedly finds....


Iran's Mullahs Deposed

As President Bush prepares to sign a peace treaty with the new Iranian government....


United Nations Declares Itself 'Irrelevant'

Despite having voted to return its various properties to their original owners, the premier international organization's prospective demise could not have come at a more inauspicious time. Speaking on condition of....


Former WMO Head Claims Climate Change 'A Hoax'

Psychiatrists describe the condition as "malicious denial" — the basest of protective responses to unpleasant situations. In the case of Hugo Renauldi, the former president of the World Meteorological Organization, several of them see a pronounced example of that malady. "He must have cracked under some extreme unknown pressure," explained Dr. Fred....


Still Waiting for Climate Change

A dozen straight years of declining temperatures worldwide may have left any remaining believers "bewildered," but most of them still are undeterred. Retired climatologist Dr. Heidi Cullen-Gore says it's too soon to....


“All the News
That's Fitted for a Pine Box”


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