Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

Just call me a conservative Miqey Moor


Or call this post my pet conspiracy theory:

an's time-traveling memos didn't work. Iraq's elections weren't a failure. Cindy Bansheehan's ditch dig-in wasn't holding water. "Oh how, oh how can we hurt Bushitler now," the Dhimm al'Qrats (it should come as no surprise) all whined.

No sooner had they asked that question than a Cat Five hurricane appeared on the horizon. "Now we've got 'em!" Nancy Pill-O-Sleaze screamed.

So a plan was hatched to make the hurricane's apparent glancing blow past New Orleans turn into something much, much worse — so much so that the president would get all the blame. "I approve of this plan to hurt Bushallibloodforoil," mumbled Governess BlameCo.

First they had to get all the residents around 17th Street cleared out so there wouldn't be any witnesses. But it would look funny if just those residents left and no one else did. Therefore they had to promptly issue a citywide evacuation order, while enticing any stranded residents to allow themselves to be herded into the soundproof Superdome. "How convenient," some poor unsuspecting conservative might utter when he reads this.

Thus their plan to finally hurt President Bush was set into motion. "Mwhahahahahah on you Chimpy and your vast army of evilly conspiring angry white male wingnut Jesus-freaks," Hilldabeast howled.

The hurricane passed by just east of the city, just as they thought it would. There was a bunch of wind damage but not much else. "New Orleans Dodged A Bullet," the newspaper headlines all read.

Then all hell literally broke loose.

Ms. BlameCo was certainly fastidious about not letting anyone she didn't specifically approve of enter New Orleans before her and MayIfButAndOr Nay-grunts' plan (and, it's strongly rumored, his patented Hurricanceler) went into effect, wasn't she? To add a touch of believability, the governess went on live TV and wept. Boohoohoooooo, she wept some more.

Next, the detonation that no one was around to hear blew a huge multi-block hole in the 17th Street levee. (See this photo of the "broken" levee. Notice the suspicious looking cattycornered wall-segment inside the red box, as if it were violently blasted off angle by a large, intentional explosion — not by mere water. Also notice the lack of any visible helicopters in that overhead shot.) "Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Bushwacker is gonna get whacked this time!" Tedboat al-Qennedy spat with glee as he contemplated all that water rushing in as a sort of appropriate, if indirect revenge for his losing the presidency one score and five years ago.

To ensure there would be plenty of bodies in the upcoming body count, MayYesNoButOr Nowgone had the gates to the giant parking lot on which hundreds and hundreds of school buses sat idle and useless — reportedly just a few blocks from his own office — all padlocked shut. "It's for the greater good of our party," I bet he told BlameCo over their ultra secret hotline to each other.

Soon the headlines and reports began to change: People were swimming. People were clinging to rooftops. People were drowning. "Bushie [somehow bypassed Congress's power over the purse and] personally cut funding for all the levees," a report planted by the governess read.

Now the plan was complete. Our president would get all the blame for all that damage to the "broken" levee and the resulting deaths and mayhem in New Orleans it caused. "If he blames anyone else I'll punch him in the nose, I will!" squeeled Senator Blandblow.

Think about it. A hurricane passes by — not hits — New Orleans. The wind damage is so slight that practically every newspaper declares it "dodged a bullet." Then all of a sudden some levee next to a mostly African-American neighborhood mysteriously "breaks." Hundreds if not thousands drown.

It's looking more and more like an intentional plan by Desperats to cause so much unexpected death and destruction in New Orleans that the president will get all the blame and won't have a prayer's chance in ACLU Headquarters of ever getting elected president ever again.

I'm planning on putting out a DVD explaining it all. I think I'll call it Molecule H2O.

A mix of magnified disappointment over and growing anger at Demoralizingrats' incredible playing of political power-positioning games, even as our fellow citizens' life and death struggles continue, contributed to this equally unreal theory.

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