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John F. Banzhaf III reviews 'The World's Unhealthiest Cookbook'

 

Taking time out from his busy schedule suing McDonald's french fries, al-Qerry & Qerrwarts' favorite fellow liberal trial lawyer judges this cookbook (by blogger Steve H.) on the merits.


 
 
B
ig Food is at it again. No sooner do I file a lawsuit on behalf of The Children™, protecting them against the fat content in America's preferred form of potato product, does my local bookstore put something like this on its shelves. Irresponsible? Yes. Yummy? Yes! Target of my next lawsuit? Let me just say, "Mmwhah ha hah hahaha."

Steve H. Graham's Eat What You Want and Die like a Man (iUniverse, Inc.) is a cookbook chock full of full-flavored main course recipes which are bound to send every nutritionist in the country into a veritable tizzy. I expect not a few of them will be knocking on my door soon, asking for help in their fight to prevent such a "fatterrorist" assault on Americans' arteries. Will I take their case? Before I can answer that, let us all take a look at some of the relevant evidence.

Plaintiff's Exhibit #1. "Grease Burgers" (chapter 7) is so incredibly self-explanatory—and delicious sounding—that it hardly warrants the time of an attorney of my nanny-like stature to go into the details of such an obvious enticement of the reader's taste buds. My only surprise is that this type of food has not already been outlawed outright on every continent as a threat to the public's waistline.

Plaintiff's Exhibit #2. "Propane Steak" (chapter 15) literally screams "weld my red-meat beams to your cardiovascular girders!" Sure, it will build you up stronger than the Empire State Building. But would you not rather be a wimpy no-muscles trial lawyer than a big broad-shouldered man, the kind that wimpy no-muscles trial lawyers like to hire in high-profile cases as bodyguards? Of course you would.

Plaintiff's Exhibit #3. Adam's no-no (chapter 1) is quite unforgivable. Taking that rib the Lord Himself gave him and covering her with a cumin-and-pepper dry rub before roasting her on an open spit. Does the author not realize how over-the-top that is, using such a greasy method of food preparation? Personally, I would have added only some celery and perhaps a few cloves to a small rack of them in my special potty-shaped crockpot. That would be so much more in the public interest.

Now before you object to this trial lawyer drawing his own conclusions, remember that this is only a preliminary hearing and there is no jury (yet) to influence. The real trial starts after you tofu-allergic men out there (and women, since I must insist on total parity) buy Mr. Graham's cookbook and discover for yourselves just how really tasty his recipes are. Then if I do not get the verdict and exorbitant damages I want from this alleged agent of Big Food, I will move for a mistrial and on to easier pickings, such as Taco Bell.

In the meantime you must excuse me while I try out these succulent Yeast-Raised Doughnuts Fried in Lard (chapter 19) followed by this exquisite Hash Brown Casserole (chapter 10). Solely for legal research purposes, you know.

John F. Banzhaf III is "a nationally-known professor and practitioner of public interest law" and author of his own cookbook Just Because We're Fat-Cat Trial Lawyers Does Not Imply We're Fat: If You Say We Are, We'll Sue! now available in finer Pizza Hut trash bins nationwide.

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