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Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

Shutdown!

 

WE"RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


W

as that hysterical enough? Funny, after I screamed that at the stroke of midnight, expecting every government function everywhere to come to a screeching, cosmically terrifying halt, I didn't feel anything besides a not too particularly sore throat. As the minutes passed, even this slight annoyance diminished.

Panicked, I went back to my browser and entered WhiteHouse.gov in the address bar. Would the "Page Not Found" message I dreaded seeing confirm my sudden premonition of Utter Doom™? Nope. It's still there. However, before my unease had completely abated, the page finished loading and I was greeted with this equally trite pronouncement:

"Because Congress did not fulfill its responsibility to pass a budget, much of the federal government will shut down."

Ohhnooooes!...

....

When I finally uncurled from the fetal position I took after diving under my desk à la Bernie Shaw in Baghdad, I looked tentatively out to see what if anything still existed beyond its comfortingly solid confines.

In between heart-wrenching sobs of inconsolable despair I could see, inexplicably, the chair from which I bolted was there. The floor on which it stood was, too. The air in the room remained and continued to fill my lungs without any discomfort. As I arose, it dawned on me that electrical power was somehow surging into the room. The curly, mercury-filled bulbs overhead put off their usual, eye-strainingly white glare. My computer's monitor flickered blithefully, displaying the same warning of unprecedented terror.

Wait! Perhaps it's a trick, concocted by evil teabagger hackers. Has the photo gallery of our dEar Leader playing his latest round of golf been cruelly obliterated by the Shutdown!? Alas, it hasn't. How about the creatively edited biographies of former U.S. presidents? No, they're informing us Ronald Reagan's "Tear Down This Wall" speech ranks little more than wishy-washy babble alongside the Grand Apology® that so mesmerized a pre-Muslim Brotherhoodlumed Cairo. None of the site's other pages have suffered any Shutdown!, either. They must be among those Essential Government Services necessarily excluded from lesser entities' unappropriated fate.

Well, maybe the IRS has been deprived all those funds it needs to single out evil teabagging groups for special "evaluations." No such luck, 'baggers! You're on the EOØ list, Shutdown! or no.

All right. We're told the Shutdown! won't affect our Troops' pay. We'll get our mail tomorrow. Bernanke's Fed isn't going to stop printing a surfeit of ever-devaluing dollars. So what's left? You'd think, given the way our Fearmonger-in-Chief has portrayed the Shutdown!, we'd at least be able to notice that The End Is Here.



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