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The Nominee NARAL Supports

 

To quote their al-Demoqratiq Party's chairperson, "Yeeeeeaaawwwwgghhh!"


S
enate Judiciary Committee hearing, excerpt from transcript of Senators' questions and the NARAL-approved supreme court justice nominee's answers:

Sen. Specter (D-PA): The committee will come to order. Before we broke for recess the nominee was about to answer Senator Schumer's question on which abortion technique the nominee prefers. We'll let the nominee answer that question now and then proceed to Senator Qennedy's questions. Please proceed, Mr. Nominee.

NARAL-Approved Nominee: Yes, Mr. Chairman. Chuqy asked which technique I liked best. I'd like to say that it is difficult to answer since there are so many wonderful techniques to choose from. Could I just give you my Top Ten list, Chuqy?

Sen. Chuqy (D-NY): Well, maybe if you went through some of your most favorite you could narrow it down to less than that.

NARAL-Approved Nominee: Okay, I'll try. Now there's the suction aspiration procedure which has always been one of my most favorite because it pulls the placenta and fetus into parts small enough to pass out of a womyn's body through the suction tube. Then there's the dilatation and evacuation — or D-N-C procedure — in which a second- or third-trimester fetus is, over a period of two to three days, subjected to all sorts of happy-go-lucky trauma, including artificially induced labor: First, its legs are located and grasped with forceps, turning the body so that it's oriented spine up and feet first; then the legs are pulled into the vagina and the fetus is delivered up to the head. The best part is that, with the fetus head still intact in the vagina, the health-care professional forces a pair of scissors into the base of the fetus's skull, enlarges the wound by spreading the blades, removes the scissors, inserts a suction catheter into the hole and evacuates the skull contents — otherwise known as brains — all while the fetus's heart is still beating. Great stuff! Then, minus its brains, the fetus's skull decompresses, making it very easy for the health-care professional to remove the entire, now-dead fetus. Finally, the placenta is removed with forceps and the uterine walls are scraped with a suction curette. Awesome.

Sen. Chuqy: So you're saying those two techniques are your most favorite?

NARAL-Approved Nominee: If I could, Chuqy, I'd like to add one or two more. The use of mifepristone and a prostaglandin like misoprostol in the RU486 method is an especially exquisite form of fetal death. Either the fetus's source of growth and nourishment — the uterine lining — is chemically destroyed, thus dehydrating and starving the lump of unwanted flesh until it dies, or the fetus itself is rotted away after about ten weeks if it's already implanted. Almost like pouring acid on the fetus until its skin literally burns off and melts away. He-he. Then the womyn puts another chemical into her body which induces labor, so that her fetus's decomposing corpse is expelled. Beautiful. Of course, there's the so-called morning-after pill, which is actually a higher than normal dose of birth control pills and must be given within three days of — to put it delicately — doin' da nasty, with pleasant complications like nausea and vomiting or the fetus surviving and growing multiple heads and stuff. I'd add those to my Top Ten as well, Chuqy.

Sen. Chuqy: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I have no further questions.

Sen. Specter (D-PA): Senator Qennedy.

Sen. al-Qennedy (D-AA): Well, Mr. Chairman. I don't have many questions because the nominee has consistently answered those of my colleagues with as much skill and aplomb as he did the last one we just heard, all to my immense satisfaction and pleasure I might add. They've covered just about everything I wanted to ask, with the exception of how the nominee, if confirmed, would rule on a couple of cases I believe the supreme court will be deciding in the next decade or so, which I would like to ask him about now.

NARAL-Approved Nominee: I'll be very happy to pre-commit myself to each and every one of those for you, Teddy.

Sen. al-Qennedy: In that case, let's go down my list I have here: any state's partial-birth abortion ban.

NARAL-Approved Nominee: Unconstitutional.

Sen. al-Qennedy: Would you elaborate some on that, please?

NARAL-Approved Nominee: All right. Unconstitutional, always and absolutely.

Sen. al-Qennedy: Great. How about state constitutions that allow protesters to demonstrate within, say, seventeen miles of a planned parenting facility?

NARAL-Approved Nominee: A what, Teddy?

Sen. al-Qennedy: A, you know, a clinic where a womyn can exercise her right to get rid of her unchosen fetal growths.

NARAL-Approved Nominee: You mean her unwanted fetal growths.

Sen. al-Qennedy: Yes, that's it.

NARAL-Approved Nominee: I hate to sound repetitive, but that too is unconstitutional. The right to protest does not extend to picketing a private business when that business is engaged in promoting any right that's reserved exclusively to womyn.

Sen. al-Qennedy: Good answer. Okay, next is a federal budget law that withholds any funds from anyone for planned parenting procedures.

NARAL-Approved Nominee: Again, unconstitutional. Adequate funding for those procedures must be included somewhere in the federal budget so that womyn can exercise their exclusive rights, or the budget is, on its face, unconstitutional. In which case the courts would be forced to intervene in order to order such funds appropriated and authorized.

Sen. al-Qennedy: Now, some of my less-enlightened colleagues on the right might irresponsibly say that's an encroachment of judicial power into Congress's functions. You don't consider it to be that at all, do you?

NARAL-Approved Nominee: Not one bit, Teddy. In fact, the courts should decide what constitutes adequate funding for those procedures and what does not. After all, we're dealing with womyn's rights here.

Sen. al-Qennedy: Well put, Mr. Nominee. I notice my time's up for this round.

Sen. Specter (D-PA): If the senator would like to continue, I'll be happy to accommodate him for one or two dozen more questions.

Sen. al-Qennedy: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. But I'll let some of my other colleagues get their questions in during this round.

Sen. Specter (D-PA): In that case, we go next to Senator Biden.

Sen. Kinnock (D-MLA): Thanks. As I once said to my good friend from Massoqueeretts Massachusetts: Ask not what your committee can do for you, ask what you can do for your committee. I think feel this ties into what I want to ask the nominee about his views on planned parenting. Mr. Nominee, do you believe that a country — any country — has power to ask — or even demand — that a womyn keep what is essentially her own personal property whenever she chooses to get rid of that property?

NARAL-Approved Nominee: No, Joey. I do not.

Sen. Kinnock: Even if that property is a body part, like her arm or leg or head or fetus?

NARAL-Approved Nominee: If she wants to toss it or keep it, that's up to her. I'd say let her do it. Period.

Sen. Kinnock: Excellent answer. I don't feel I have any more questions for the nominee this round, Mr. Chairman. I do ask unanimous consent to submit a few for the record on the complementary writing paper I received from NARAL, which includes its darling new letterhead graphically showing Lady Liberty receiving a planned parenting procedure.

Sen. Specter (D-PA): Without objection, the senator's request is granted. I believe a short recess is in order so that the nominee can confer with Nancy Keenan, who is sitting right behind him. The committee stands in recess until eleven o'clock.

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