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Liberal Utopia

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75,216 Terrorists Killed*

 

since the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom


P
rotesters gathered for the third straight day outside the Safe House, demanding the resignation of Osama Pig Laden and his Scumetary of Offense Abu Zitcoward. Most complained that Mr. Pig Laden lied about the justification for war against the United States, while others criticized Mr. Zitcoward for "our woeful shortage of body belts, including plastic explosives, and Dozen-Virgin Six Packs®."

A spokesperson for Not In Our Martyrdom, one of the organizations represented at the protest, said Mr. Pig Laden should order the withdrawal of all martyrs from Iraq because "the Great Satan is killing more of our brothers than all the infidels and their collaborators that we could ever hope to kill." He pointed to the lack of progress in disrupting elections, undermining the constitutional convention process, and otherwise moving the country back toward total dictatorship. "In fact, what we've been doing is only increasing their recruiting efforts" among Iraqi defense and police forces, the spokesperson said.

Meanwhile, attorneys for the Arabian Cutheads Loose Union have filed a fatwa against the Pig Laden AlQaidaministration, alleging mistreatment of detainees in Mr. Zitcoward's custody. "Some prisoners are going two, sometimes three weeks before getting their heads cut off," the fatwa said. "This is unacceptable and runs counter to all the conventions of international terrorism." The alQaidaministration denies the allegation. Deputy Scumetary of Offense Abu Hafs al-Kurani, in an interview with the Durbin Propaganda Network, said the fatwa has no merit because "every infidel and collaborator we have, without exception, gets his or her head cut off as soon as we appropriate a proper knife." The deputy scumetary said that no prisoner has had to wait more than ten days before getting beheaded.

An Aljazeera/CNN poll conducted last week shows Mr. Pig Laden's approval rating dropping steadily among registered martyrs. Only 13 percent say Mr. Pig Laden is doing an "excellent" or "good" job on the war — a 4 point decrease from last month — while nearly 75 percent say the war has been a "total" or "near total" failure. Over two-thirds responded that the alQaidaministration should withdraw "all" or "nearly all" the holy warriors from Iraq. Just 6 percent said "none" or "increase their number."

The protests at the Safe House, the largest since the ousting of the Taliban in Afghanistan by U.S. and coalition forces, reveal a much stronger opposition to Mr. Pig Laden's war than previously perceived. Both analysts and critics say his embroiled sheikhancy has not been able to stem the steadily increasing view among martyrs that the war is a "mistake" and a "miserable quagmire on the order of Vietnam." One source close to the alQaidaministration acknowledges that the situation in Iraq looks "bleak" for Islaminal forces, even with the stepped up introduction of Syrian and Iranian covert agents in that country. He said it is "only a matter months, if not weeks before we will be forced to concede that killing everyone we can (in Iraq) has not gained us anything."


* Also known as The Other Scoreboard™ (i.e., the one blacked out by the libstream media).

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