Tuesday, September 14, 2004
As much as I tried I couldn't make them as boring and stale as their subject.
If I had a dollar for every piece of legislation that Hanoi John F'in' al-Qerry sponsored in the Senate...
I'd have a fist full o' nuttin'.
Did you hear the one about the guy who once ran for president who kept saying he served in Viet—
Oh, you've heard that one already.
There's the Brady Bill that requires instant background checks on all firearms purchases. There's the Gramm-Rudman-Hollings Bill that tried to balance the federal budget. There's the McCain-Feingold Bill that bans free speech before elections. But did you know there's also the Qerry Bill?
It's the one that simply refuses to show up in the Congressional Record. (Much like its sponsor's votes.)
You're skiing and you run into somebody. Which do you do: Tell him/her that you're sorry and it won't happen again? Sue the guy/gal for reckless endangerment? Call the person a SOB/DOB behind his/her back? Or blame it all on a lack of civility in the political process?
Trick question (if you're HJFQ). You can't ski when your foot's always in your mouth.
In Massachusetts there aren't any weathervanes. Know why?
All of them quit after finding out they couldn't compete with the state's junior senator.
Miss Haywood was tired of hearing one of her third grade students always complain after each test that he "actually answered all the questions correctly before I answered them incorrectly." One day she finally asked him, "Johnny, don't you know you can't get far in life with such dishonesty?"
Little Johnny looked confused for a moment then said, "I'm not sure. But if you hum a few bars it might come back to be."
On al-Qerry's Web site, www.johnqerry.con, he has a plan for massively raising taxes, massively increasing spending, and massively shrinking the budget deficit during wartime. Know what people are calling it?
The No Deal.
Dan Rather and John al-Qerry walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be fellas?" Qerry says, "I'm John Qerry and I have a memo here from your owner that says every drink you serve is on the house." Rather pipes up, "I'm Dan Rather and I have expertly verified the memo's authenticity." The bartender looks at the memo and says...
"Seems you both read it wrong. That's only for customers who live in houses. Not mansions." (Ugh.)
Hideously Rotten al-Qlinton was on her way out of a tanning salon when she bumped into Hanoi John F'in' al-Qerry. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Why, I'm going in to get a tan so I'll look young," he said. "Is that so? Haven't you heard that it'll just make your face all wrinkly?" she asked. "Not to worry," he said. "I have a secret plan for preventing such an occurrence. However, I'll give you hint about what it is: It has to do with Ox and Bot." She thought about it for a moment then said...
"I thought you said you didn't want us to rub Al-Bore in your face anymore."
And the most laughable joqe of them all this election...
(Inspired by Denny Wilson's "Blathergate".)
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