Saturday, September 11, 2004
While the mainstream media continues to decompose after suffering a massive memoforgerary, let's see what their relatives are saying about their loved ones' not unexpected demise.
hey were so old," bemoaned Bruce Shapiro
, nephew of the departed. "We didn't think it would take this long to come."
That was the typical response of relatives close to the decedents. Although few of them had anything negative to say about their expired relatives, most recounted the horror of agreeing to the blogurgical team's decision to take the painfully suffering patients off total life support after several decades in a self-induced comma.
"I fought the decision to disconnect their life support," said Saddan Rather, fraternal twin brother of the first to go, Ms. Concoct Bogus Stories—or "CBS" to her dwindling number of friends. "As for my sister, she just couldn't stand the pain. I understood that. And allowing her to suffer like that—well, I didn't want to prolong it but I felt compelled to do so."
Matt Kelley, born out of wedlock to the late Assilly Pressley, agreed. "Sure, my relatives were sick and prone to dementia. But, really. The blogospital didn't have to take them off life support when it did. It could've given them one more chance to recover." He said he was among the dissenting voices which spoke up in defense of his ailing relatives in their final moments. "One bloctor told me, 'their chances are zero, you have to let them go.' But I screamed they just couldn't. The bloctors must look again for any signs—any signs at all—of honest life."
At a press conference following the decision to pull the patients' plugs, a blogurgeon discussed the importance of early detection and treatment of the disease that led to their very timely demise. "Libbiasism is always fatal if caught when it reaches its final stages," said specialist Charles Ballsfoot Green, Jr., chief of blogurgery at Elcubo Memorial Blogospital. "Anyone exposed to it should always seek immediate help from a qualified therapist trained in treating such deficiencies in Vitamin T." Receiving only blank stares from reporters, Bloctor Green added, "That's 'T' for 'Truth.'" The reporters' eyes merely glazed over further.
After the press conference, other relatives of the dead said they had no regrets about their loved ones' decisions to not seek treatment early. Asked Jonathan Klein, step-father of Mr. Rather and Ms. Stories, "What reason did they have to get such help? No one was bothering them about it before and they were doing well. How come only now we're finding out that this disease could be so fatal? I'm going to talk to my attorney about whether we can sue somebody for this and drive every other patient's costs up in the process."
Mr. Klein refused to say whether his relatives showed any symptoms of libbiasism before they became blogospitalized.
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