Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

Eulogies for Zitcoward


As delivered by his very best friends — America's leftists.

aggy Pelousi, House Milquetoasty Leader

"Let us not mourn too long the loss of our beloved friend. A friend who worked so tirelessly these last few years on our behalf. For that work is continuing even as we speak. Baghdad is in flames, and President Bush is to blame.

"No, we won't mourn you after today, dear Abu. There is so much we still need to do to accomplish the things you gave your life for: A destabilized Iraq, and President Bush's defeat. A reign of terror that we can attribute to his administration's corrupt meddling. A rising up against, and toppling of elected governments, both there and in Washington. A changing of regimes from those he supports to our own.

"Ever present in spirit will you be with us as we work to complete these tasks.

"Now that President Bush has murdered you, we must have a long and serious debate on what to do next. We must investigate his culpability in your untimely death. What role did he play in your murder? Why did he miserably fail to get a warrant for your arrest instead of rushing to senseless violence? Was it necessary for him to resort to killing you in cold blood? How could he not see that you wanted to lift your abused, broken body off that gurney and begin negotiations which could have ended this illegal war? Did he just let you die by denying you the universal health care you so desperately needed then in your last moments of tortuous anguish? Does this cruel and unjust fate await each of his other opponents? We must find out. We must investigate. We must uncover the truth!

"However, today is not the time to uncover it. Right now we are here to mourn you and to say goodbye. You will be sorely missed, al-dearest Zarqawi, our martyr of truth and of Present Bush's unjust war. Our world — a world in which your deeds offered us hope of knocking down his poll numbers — is now much smaller.

"Farewell, good friend."

Tedcarboat al-Qennedy, Womanslaughterous Senator

"Week after week after week we get death after death after death of friends we cannot afford to lose. Friends such as the one whose memory we are gathered here today to praise.

"I will not go into the violation of his constitutional rights as well as of the Geneva Convention by the Bush administration's publishing of photographs of our dear friend's tortured remains. And tortured they were, make no mistake. The work of a bloodthirsty warmonger bent on driving us uncontrollably off the road to peace; on drowning everyone under a drunken melee of deathly bombs; on plunging all of us into the deep waters of irresponsible war. It seems none of us has any chance to come up for air while we're stuck in the back seat of an unrecoverable quagmire.

"Nor will I go into the Bush administration's hunting down and secretly spying on so-called terrorists. And just who made them terrorists! If you were hounded day in and day out, if you were forced to hide all the time and made to feel like an oppressed fugitive, if you felt you were being watched and had to constantly watch your back, is it so hard to understand that you would become angry, frustrated, and desperate? You would have no choice. But President Bush did have a choice. He had the choice not to engage in an illegal war that has enraged everyone everywhere against us. He could have chosen to talk to you, to get to know you better, and reach an understanding with you. He should choose negotiation over negative actions, diplomacy over destruction, talking over taking lives, mutual respect over military reprisals. He chose, instead, to make the angry angrier and to terrorize individuals into becoming alleged terrorists like our departed friend, who otherwise would not have become the latest casualty in an arrogantly and incompetently managed war.

"Your loss is keenly felt, Musaban... Osaban, uh Musaba — Musab. We will never forget your tireless efforts to drive out those you could only see as your oppressors so you could herald in a more stable future for your Iraq; to stand up, like we, against the torture and corruption being unjustly imposed on you by an administration that has run amok and is running roughshod over your rights and those of everyone in its disgraceful rush to get more of our troops and more residents of Iraq like yourself killed.

"We will never forget you. We will never forget the horrible things the Bush administration did to you. You have been an inspiration to us all. (Drunken weeping.)"

Sowered Spleen, al-DNC Chairscreamer

"As a doctor, I know the importance of administering vital care to a badly injured victim. When every second counts, when there isn't a second to lose, he must be quickly transported to caring professionals who can save his life. Unfortunately for our friend now lying here before us, President Bush doesn't know that or even care. His heartless prosecution of an unwinnable war has again resulted in yet another vain death. The death of one of our most valuable partners in our common cause to oppose his administration's reckless actions.

"I could almost scream. (Chuckle.) And I would if it weren't so sad.

"Last week our friend was alive and happy, pursuing those things in life he thought were most vital to freeing Iraq from the brutal torture and oppression it has been experiencing these past three years. After President Bush unwisely invaded the country and residences of people, like our beloved Abu, who weren't bothering anyone but who simply wanted to be left alone to do nothing more than what you and I want — to spend time with our families, to watch reruns of Ellen, to not be burdened by tax cuts for the rich — there has been nothing but strife and turmoil. Our friend, though no fault of his own, was unwillingly caught up in that turmoil. It was the sole fault of the Bush administration that he had to experience such strife.

"But we are not here today to lay blame on anyone for causing his death. No, our job now is to celebrate his life and his accomplishments, and to look ahead to the things we must all do to help finish his vitally important work. Rest assured I won't be wasting any time in my upcoming meetings with you about how best to go about that effort.

"Tomorrow will come soon enough. Although not for our murdered friend, thanks to the mean-spirited actions of the Bush administration.

"So let us mourn his passing as well as the loss it represents to our cause. But then let us get back to work. As I've said before, anyone who believes George Bush can defeat us and our friends is just plain wrong."

Sqary Sqreed, Senate Muckority Leader

"Where, to quote our country's best ever Vice President, do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be? The sweet love story that is older than '03? The simple truth about the love it brings to me? Where do I start?

"I could start with the first dip in President Bush's poll numbers after Abu Musab — or 'AM' as he was known to us, his closest friends — began his syndicated reality program, 'Beheading to Baghdad.' But that would ignore all the wonderful things he accomplished in that regard afterwards. I could relate to you the terrifying end to his brief life — how a joyous and productive gathering of fellow coworkers turned into an absolute nightmare when a ton of vengeful weaponry befell them unsuspectingly, crashing on and around their still-attached heads. But that would only reemphasize the sense of injustice everyone here, without exception, felt upon learning of his demise.

"Instead I'll recall to you the very first time I read a leaked intelligence report about our good friend AM. It was in the morning, more than a year after President Bush illegitimately invaded an innocent country and toppled its legitimately elected government. There's no need to remind any of you which country that was. But what struck me about that report was the litany of innuendo and unsubstantiated allegations it contained which, to this day, I believe constitutes nothing less than a heartless, unmitigated slander: An unconscionable attack by the Bush administration against an individual whose only so-called crime was resisting, the best way he knew how, that administration's failed plans and policies. It shocked me to the core that anyone, much less the highest ranking officials in our own government, whom before then I felt deserved a modicum benefit of the doubt, could stoop so low as to viciously malign and spread obvious falsehoods about such an individual. So I sped over as quickly as I could to the White House and demanded a meeting with the president.

"Of course, Mr. Bush kept me waiting for what seemed like hours, so anxious I was to set the record straight with him and give him a visible piece of my mind. (Power-point image of said piece: ) (No, it's there. Look closer... Much closer. Ah, come on, try harder. No, harder than that. Oh, never mind.) None of you will be surprised by what he told me. He said AM was an evil-doer because he had done some very evil things. He used the Nick Berg beheading as an example. I told him how could he tell that's our AM when the one doing the slicing amid Mr. Berg's unforgettable screams was wearing a hood. The president mentioned something about sources and methods, but I knew he was lying. No one can convince me that anyone could be that evil, no matter what they showed me or said. Especially anyone who has done so much to help me and my friends bring down the president's standing among the public. So there I was, not five minutes after I arrived at the White House, walking away from my meeting with Mr. Bush — a president I once dreamed about considering to offer something that could only be mistaken for respect — with a deep feeling of disappointment.

"I know many of you heard me say, just a few days ago, that AM was (finger quote) a cold blooded killer who got what he deserved (finger quote). I know I don't need to explain to anyone here why, unfortunately, I had to say that. We'll just leave it at that. (Wink.)

"So where I've started will also be where I end. Our dear AM was made out to be something worse than anyone ever could be. The Bush administration created its monster just so it could destroy it, not thinking that what it was destroying was really just one more human being. Someone's son and brother, husband and father, who fell victim to its unforgivable arrogance.

"But here, among your very best friends, AM, you are not considered a monster. You will always be remembered as one who was always there for us when we were always feeling down, or always feeling the need to bring President Bush down. And that's the simple truth behind the full story of the sweet love we held for you, dear AM."

Hilldabeastly Rotten al-Qlinton, President of the United Cellblocks of Bedford Hills Correctional Facility

"Wow. Like, thank you, Harry, for that heartwarming and heart-wrenching account of our friend Abuie. Heartwarming because it expressed all of the things we in this room feel about someone who had become an indispensable soldier in our cause. Yet heart-wrenching because it again reminds us he can no longer be a part of that cause — except, of course, in spirit.

"I only wish we knew for sure what your last words had been, Abuie, after you valiantly tried to climb off your stretcher before, I imagine, reaching out your hand in an obvious gesture of reconciliation and friendship. No doubt the vast number of our opponents will assume these words were along the lines of 'Oh camel dung!' upon seeing the menacing approach of American soldiers coming to cart you away to God knows where — and no doubt the thought of being mercilessly tortured by them in violation of all international law and norms understandably ran through your critically damaged skull. But I have a better, more hopeful assumption than any of their mean-spirited ones: Your last words, given the way we all wish to solely remember you, had to be words of peace. A desperate, panged cry against a relentlessly waged war that you never asked for or wanted. Words that sought out, not war, but a bright future for all the Iraqi people: 'No more killing.'

"Yes, 'No more killing.' Those are the words that I believe in my heart you tried to say even after President Bush tried to silence you, not with any prepared words, but with a pair of bombs. It touches all of us to realize how, despite your unrecoverable injuries, you tried to utter them so they'd be heard by someone — anyone — before you fell into the arms of those scores of virgins that your faith, which I deeply respect, promises all persons of goodwill. They are words that, despite even President Bush's vicious war, can never be terminated.

"'No more killing.' We hear you, Abuie. Even if it is only us here who do so now. But we promise to work diligently to make sure that your final words are not destined to fall on deaf ears. That they will be the call to action you intended. The call to peace. The call to hope for no more of these preemptive, unprovoked wars:

"A time when all of us can and should say, 'No more killing.'

"Rest peacefully in those ever-youthful arms, our dear Abuie."

Ticked Turban, Senate Troopwhipper

"I have here a paper that, unless I told you the source, you would believe it was about the allegedly brutal practices of Saddam Hussein, or about the allegedly diabolical acts of Osama Bin Ladin or his alleged agent, our dear Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, perpetrated against people innocently going about their daily lives only to be bombed into oblivion by the same kind of ruthless practices and acts. Unfortunately, it is about how our nation's own military swooped down upon the home of an Iraqi resident and mercilessly leveled it, fatally crushing everyone inside.

"It's the reason we're here today. Instead of finding ways to stop the war and bring our troops home, we have to mourn the loss of another of their victims. We've witnessed the same brutality I complained about almost a year ago, only worse. Now we've created a martyr whose followers are going to be that much angrier at us for the crimes against humanity we're allowing our troops to commit everyday all in the name of some unjust cause based on lies and deception and fear. The same lies Nazi fascists used in the last century to plunder their way across continental Europe while consigning untold millions to their deaths. The same fears Stalinist Russia used to sentence millions more to Gulags and other horrors. Even the same deceptions the regimes of Southeast Asia used to convince soldiers that the common farmer and the common laborer was a monstrous enemy of the state, deserving killing. Now we see, by just this latest act, how a man and his associates who are fighting for a united Iraq can be viciously targeted and murdered.

"It pains me to read about the suffering our friend Musab must have endured after seeing his home demolished and realizing his friends must all be dead. Those were undoubtedly the last thoughts he had before he himself drew his final breath. Then I read about how, after he was pulled from the rubble, he was still barely alive and tried to rise up from his gurney to go meet our approaching troops and propose to them an offer of peace. Unfortunately he did not live long enough to communicate to them his peaceful intentions.

"Our friend's last words may or may not have been a plea to stop all the unnecessary killing, as my colleague suggests. But our morality demands that we investigate the circumstances surrounding his and his colleagues' deaths so that we can ensure that, whether he had the chance to speak these words or not, there will be no more such killings.

"I can only hope that we will do so before it is too late."

Loady-Di Feinkenstein, Mexifornia Senator

"Abu, our friend, is gone. His religion may have been different from ours, but we all were working toward the same goal of an unoccupied Iraq. The way he lived may not have been the same as what we're normally used to, but he ate and drank, lived and loved, the same as we.

"I am Abu. You are Abu. We all are, with each one of us yearning for the same peace and freedom that he was journeying across Iraq to find. Although he is finally at peace, the world is less so. Although he is accused of masterminding, and sometimes participating in, the purposeful killing of thousands upon thousands of Iraqis during his journeys, we are responsible for the unintentional killing of at least a hundred or so ourselves. Yet it is unlikely that any of us will have to suffer the same fate our friend has. Although living in a world where those like him are, as a result of our actions, very, very mad at us may arguably be much worse.

"My name is Abu Feinstein. His name was Diane al-Zarqawi. Our names speak to the tiredness we all feel over all this senseless killing.

"In our name we will extend the hand of friendship to everyone so there will be no more killing. So we won't have to ever mourn again another Abu."

Pinchy Stoolzberger, Stewed Pork Rinds Chairtraitor

"It is not the job of a journalist to take sides, especially in war. But given the brutality, the cold-blooded bombings, the remorseless suffering inflicted on the people of Iraq by a single man, I must make an exception.

"George Bush is the sole reason I have taken sides in this illegal war. Whatever and whoever it takes to defeat him so Iraq can again be at peace internally and with its neighbors, I will support. It is why I am here today, not only to pay my condolences to the friends of one of Mr. Bush's enemies, but to pledge my full support for the causes about which that person, who best exemplified the tireless struggle for Iraq's long-term stability, felt most passionately. Breaking free the manacles of messy democracy and heartless capitalism is a cause most worthy of both Iraqi and American alike.

"According to sources close to the Bush administration, our friend Mr. Zarqawi didn't have to die. Over the objections of prominent officials, Mr. Bush ordered his so-called termination. This is a scandal for which he and his administration must be held fully accountable. There must be a thorough investigation. And rest assured my newspaper will be in the vanguard of not only calling for one, but doing a great deal of it ourselves. One way or the other we will get to the bottom of Mr. Bush's involvement in our friend's appalling murder.

"The justice you could not find in life, Mr. Zarqawi, we will eventually mete out to that so-called commander-in-chief who unjustifiably took it from you. That way we can be certain that you are indeed resting in peace."

Obama Bent Lobbin, al-DNC Supporter (via videotape)

"The blood of our martyrs will be avenged! Death to the Satan America!! Death to the apostates and infidels!!! Double Dollops of Death to all jews and israel!!!! Death death death and more death!!!!!"

Hanoi John F'in' al-Qerry, Massoqueeretts Jr. Senator

"Now that our friend has been tragically taken from us, I believe it is time for us to pull out of Iraq. There is really no reason to keep our troops there anymore. The person who was the highest leader of the insurgency before he actually became a mere figurehead is gone. He can no longer be considered any kind of threat to the Bush administration. Thus it has run out of excuses to continue its interference in Iraq's internal politics.

"I know our Musab had a plan, just as I do, for redeploying our troops outside of Iraq. Regrettably, this administration had him killed before he could complete that plan. But we will lift up the banner of this effort so that I can someday receive the credit for it on his behalf.

"Regarding our friend's murder, I am sure war crimes were committed — not isolated incidents, but crimes committed on a day-to-day basis with the full awareness of officers at all levels of command. No doubt they are reliving the absolute horror of what this administration, in effect, made them do. I would not be surprised to find out that members of the Bush administration had personally raped, cut off the ears, cut off the head, and taped wires from portable telephones to the genitals of our dear Musab and turned up the power, then cut off his limbs, blown up his body, randomly shot at him, razed his village in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot his camel and dogs for fun, poisoned his food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside around his safe house. That is to say, we would be more guilty than any other body of violations of the Geneva Conventions, similar to the use of free-fire zones, harassment interdiction fire, search-and-destroy missions, the bombings, the torture of prisoners, if this is indeed the accepted policy by many of our units in Iraq.

"Therefore a complete and thorough investigation is in order. Our so-called enemy should know that we will strictly bind the hands of anyone who may wish to violate any of his rights under the Geneva Conventions. Once that so-called enemy knows this, his behavior will change, and he will no longer use such things as allegedly hidden roadside bombs or the alleged booby-trapped infant he allegedly killed for just that very alleged purpose. Because the so-called enemy will be behaving, we have no further need to stay in Iraq.

"This is a good plan. A plan for investigating war crimes. A plan for departing Iraq. A plan for honoring the memory of our beloved Musab and ensuring he did not die in vain.

"We should follow this plan not only for his memory's sake but for our own."

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