Except for liberals, it's been a very utopianish year.
ister KKKonstitution and Demokkkrat Ikkkon Senator Robert Kleagle Byrd, sent the first of many emails I received Friday from liberals congratulating my humble blog on its special day:
|Subject:||Magna Carta and Web Logs|
|Date:||Today, 10:34 AM|
Dear Hitler-type Person:
Not since the Magna Carta was signed by King John at Runnymede in June 1215, has there been a more pretty, pretty, pretty example of democratic expression than my sincere wish that people like yourself be totally disallowed from spreading any such messages of opposition against my poor, once majority—but now minority—party as you so unconscionably post so consistently on your so-called Web log.
And just what is a Web log, Madam President? I tell you it is not to be found anywhere in our illustrious constitution. Indeed, not even in the Bill of Rights itself. Where does it say, for instance, that there should be no law abridging the freedom of the Web log? Or the right of the people to post messages thereon? It doesn't. Nay, not one tittle about all these wanton postings by all these pajama-clad, literary hucksters on all these numerous "blogs"—as the purveyors of these digital nuisances, not just to my own but to all diminishing political parties in a country for which I weep today, so often call themselves. And I defy any such blogger, through whatever twisting machination of so-called fact-checking they may wish to employ, to show me that any of our Founding Parents™, including the author of that great Bill of Rights himself, James Madison, had any knowledge of, or in mind any thought about such devilish Web logs when they drafted, and in 1791 ratified, our constitution's first amendment. They didn't, Madam President. That's why it is so important that we, in this body, pass whatever legislation is needed to rid our electronic medium, once and for all, of every last vestige of these bloggers' scurrilous screeds; and I am prepared to lead the Senate in an even longer filibuster than my record-breaking, fourteen hour and thirteen minute one in 1964, until we do. It is necessary that the order be promoted immediately and in every state of the Union...I mean, help is on the way as to the possibilities of rebuilding the Klan in the Realm of West Virginia...er, that is, rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds.
So I demand that my colleagues consent to outlawing such Nazi-like tactics by these bloggers, Madam President.
I yield back the balance of my time.
White niggardly yours,
SEN. R. "SPECIAL-K" BYRD
Dem. President Pro Tempore (1989-1995; January 3, 2001-January 20, 2001; June 6, 2001-2003)
Dem. Leader (1977-1988)
Another well-wisher is the old Chappaquiddick lifeguard himself, Tedboat al-Qennedy:
|Subject:||Social Security Isn't Trapped or Drowning|
|Date:||Today, 12:07 PM|
Dear Redstate-type Person:
Regardless what you and your Evil Conservative Republican® friends say or do, we on this side of the aisle will not budge one inch on Social Security. No matter how much more irrelevant that makes us, or further alienates us from the mainstream of America's electorate, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure there are no changes in that program.
You say there are not as many workers today to support the retirement incomes of Social Security beneficiaries as there were in the past. I have heard some say that there used to be roughly sixteen workers contributing to the program for every retiree receiving benefits from it, and that the ratio is now about three workers for every beneficiary, and that a few decades from now the ratio will drop to two workers per beneficiary. I have also heard that in about fifteen years Social Security payroll tax revenues will no longer cover benefit claims, and the program will have to draw funds from other parts of the budget to make up for a deficit that will only increase over time, until every cent in the program's so-called Trust Fund is entirely depleted. Well, I say so what?
Do you not know that by increasing taxes, reducing benefits, and raising the retirement age to about 75, we can save Social Security as we know it? Sure, this may cause some hardship and require us to make some tough decisions. But this is much better than letting people own or invest money from part of the accounts they're paying into, or see a much higher rate of return on their contributions than they ever could under the current system. Who cares whether all that invested money remains locked in the system, supporting the incomes of current beneficiaries, until the contributor dies or retires him or herself? Or whether future contributors will be similarly supporting the program once he or she does? I don't care. We don't need to change it. It is fine just the way it is. Leave it alone. Don't bother it or, indeed, us with any bad news. There is no problem. There is no crisis. There is nothing that needs to be done other than some good old-fashioned tax increasing, benefit reducing, and retirement-age raising.
We reject your Nazi-like tactics to give Americans greater control and ownership of their own retirement accounts. We should let the government continue to have total control over them. That way we won't have anything to worry about when we reach that ratio of two workers per beneficiary.
My party will continue to shout No! on any plan that would steer us away in even the slightest degree from where Social Security is headed.
SEN. T. "DRIVING MISS MARY JO" QENNEDY
However, I was very surprised to hear from Her Nibs, the cattle-futures baroness:
|Subject:||I'm A Conservative Too|
|Date:||Today, 2:10 PM|
Dear Fellow Staunch Conservative:
As you may know, I am now more a conservative than Tom Delay, Rick Santorum, or even Ann Coulter could ever dream of being. I am originally from a Red State and currently the United States Senator from a state that has a Republican governor. So you see, I know what it's like to have some conservatives around and to appear to like it.
For example, I am now totally in favor of understanding those who want to outlaw abortion under every conceivable circumstance (pun not intended), including when the life of the mother is in danger. I also believe that life begins at conception, just as it does when young children in our public schools plant those watermelon seeds of theirs inside dirt-filled milk cartons during biology class and watch them grow and sprout leaves before tossing the whole thing away in the dumpster once they get their A's. I am sure you remember doing the same thing yourself when you were in grade school. I also understand the fragility of life, like the many times I witnessed a fly tragically lose its wings—I can't at the moment recall exactly how it lost them—and it sputtered and spun around in excruciating pain until it finally keeled over and died. Those are just some of the memories I will always
cherish carry with me of how easily life can be plucked away from us.
I respect moral values as well. All right, I admit it could be possible that my senate campaign may have somehow illegally, if not inadvertently, underreported in-kind contributions from its Hollywood Gala fund-raising concert in 2000. But that was just to make our books look like we were keeping our costs down. You know, wanting to be frugal with our money and all that. Republicans can appreciate such a desire, I'm sure. My only regret is that Barbra Streisand showed up unexpectedly, without my prior knowledge, to perform at that concert. (See, I don't like Barbra Streisand, either.) In fact, I don't even know who organized the concert. Paul- or Peter-something or another. I can't recall. Nonetheless, I am very, very, very disappointed that someone I didn't know raised millions of dollars which benefited my campaign, during a concert by people I didn't know would be performing in it. Goes to show you that you just can't trust a liberal (which I'm not, by the way).
I also believe in God. No, really. In fact, I recently got into a heated discussion with Bill Moyers about the merits of the Rapture Index. I told him that no matter what he thinks, he should—as I always do—keep in mind the 2002 TIME/CNN poll showing how 59 percent of the American people believe that the prophesies in the Book of Revelation will someday come true. I'm just glad I'm not the one on any known record making public statements that totally discount something believed in by such an overwhelming majority of Americans.
Yes, I, like you, am a conservative. The staunchest of the bunch, as a matter of fact. I even vote in favor of wars and stuff. I support people having values. So the religious right has nothing to fear from me. Indeed, I am seen as someone who appears to like religion a lot. I will also fight for every child that's born, whether they're raised in a village or some blighted urban area. I will provide them all with food, clothing, shelter, and universal health care. That's just the kind of person I am. Kind, and caring, and providing. You know, a conservative. Because when it comes down to it, it's all about The Children™.
Here's wishing our utopia a very happy birthday.
Vast right-wing conspiratorially yours,
SEN. H. "REDNECK" QLINTON
Co-President Co-Spouse (1993-2001)
Dem. Watergate Lawyer (1974)
Even got one from Mickey, the Moors' Fifth Columnist:
|Subject:||Bush Is Evil|
|Date:||Today, 4:11 PM|
Dear Jesusland-type Person:
Bush is evil and a miserable failure. He misled us into war but refused to go after and capture Osama bin Laden. He has no plan on what to do in Iraq, which has descended into the third level of a hell we used to call Vietnam. Because of him, the Iraqi people hate our troops. He believes in having the government pry into everything, even our iPods. He wants to stop minorities before they can rise to such prominent positions as top presidential campaign adviser, National Security Advisor, White House Counsel, Education Secretary, HUD Secretary, Transportation Secretary, Labor Secretary, or Secretary of State, as well as cut federal funding at historically black colleges and Hispanic educational institutions. Wait—that last one might not be literally factual, but it's so close to the truth that I could produce one of my full-length Best Picture of the Year® documentaries on it.
Anyway, as I was saying, Bush is evil and doesn't drink beer. Beer, I tell you! How un-American is that? Also, there's not a slacker bone in his body. Geesh! You think you'd want someone as president who at least knows how to throw a hellacious kegger in the White House—like the husband of a certain junior U.S. senator from New York we all know but who shall remain nameless. (Go Hillary!) Heck, he doesn't even know how to windsurf. Who cares that polls say most people like that. I say the polls are wrong. They're all over the map like diarrhea.
Now what was I talking about? Oh, yes. Bush is evil and, I gotta tell ya, there is a hell of a lot of unrest around the country, except for all those scary angry stupid white people of course. Everyone knows we're stuck in a deadly, daily quagmire in Iraq. I don't care how many purple fingers we see. It doesn't matter how many Syrian troops pull out of Lebanon, how many weapons of mass destruction Libya destroys, or how many Egyptian presidents decide to hold that country's first-ever open election. It's all a quagmire, I say. A quagmire! Thanks to Bush and his forces of evil.
So go ahead and cut another slice of your Jesusland-blog birthday cake. You better save about 1,400 pieces of it for the ones who won't be coming home to eat any.
M. "ACADEMY AWARDS NON-NOMINEE" MOORON
Dem. USA Today guest columnist
The birthday message I got from Howard the
Dhimm was much more succinct and to the point:
|Subject:||I Could Just Scream|
|Date:||Today, 8:06 PM|
Happy birthday to yooooooooooaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh
Happy birthday to yooooooooooaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh
Happy birthday dear LUuuuuaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Happy birthday to yooooooooooaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh
And I hate Republicans and everything they stand for.
GOV. H. "HOWLIN' MOONBAT" DEAN
The above are just a few samples of the messages I received showing how well-wishing liberals can be when they put their
minds feelings to it. We here at Liberal Utopia (i.e., me) were genuinely warmed by their outpouring of vituperative verbiage on this special occasion.
This blog will continue to strive earning more such liberal sentiments as it begins its second year.
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