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Confessions of a Demonizer-in-Chief

 

"Judge not, that ye be not judged." Mat 7:1


I Confess My Immorality
by
Baracketeer al-Hussein Øfascist

M

y grandma, who was a typical white person (i.e., racist), got really old.

In her typical white person fashion, Toot (as I called her, which is not nearly as bad as the racial or ethnic stereotypes she had on more than one occasion uttered which made me cringe) also got really ill.

Now, I felt she would be better off just taking the pain pill. But, no. She selfishly decided to instead get, first, a corneal transplant then, in the very same year, a hip replacement, thus putting yet another major strain on America's health care system.

I wanted to talk to my spiritual adviser about it and hopefully get some guidance. I would tell him, "Reverend Wright, we've known each other for 20 years, and you've always been there for me, showing me the evil ways of typical white persons and so on. Well, in my own life the chickens have come home to roost: I have a sick grandma who, in her typical white person fashion, refuses to see she would be better off just taking the pain pill and so forth. What should I do?"

Only problem is, I had already thrown my spiritual adviser under the bus, even after promising "I could no more abandon him than I could the black community." So I was forced to seek guidance elsewhere.

I turned to my wife. Since she was, for the first time in her life, proud of America, I felt she would understand why Toot's selfish decisions were putting major strains on her newfound pride and joy's health care system.

Only problem is, back when my wife was receiving $273,618 $317,000 a year from the University of Chicago Hospitals, she was mixed up in a heartless scheme to dump poorer patients on community hospitals — an immoral practice known as "redirecting" — just so she and her fellow board members could reserve their hospital's beds for well-heeled patients requiring highly profitable procedures.

This callous disregard for the disadvantaged might also explain why we, from 2000 through 2004, never gave more than $3,500 a year in charitable donations (about 1 percent of our annual earnings).

Now I've heard that the Lord asks 10 percent. But I haven't been able to confirm this with my spiritual adviser, as he has been under the bus weather, so to speak.

Speaking of under the weather, I next turned to my good friends Bill and Bernardine for guidance regarding my typical white person (i.e., racist) grandma. Except I really didn't want to involve Bernardine since she'd once said, "Dig it! First they killed those pigs and then they put a fork in pig (Sharon) Tate's belly. Wild!" For that matter, I really didn't want to involve Bill, either, since he'd once said, "I don't regret setting bombs... I feel we didn't do enough"; and when asked if he'd do it all again, said, "I don't want to discount the possibility."

Knives and forks or bombs, although they could very well get the job done in an extremely efficient and cost-effective manner, wasn't exactly what I had in mind for "honkie" Toot.

Thus I felt my search for guidance had to move on.

But before I could decide to whom I should turn next, it dawned on me. "Barry," I told myself, "you're an evil rich multi-millionaire yourself. Why don't you pay for Toot's hip replacement so she won't have to go around putting any more strain on America's health care system?"

I'm sure the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) would've formally endorsed it, too, just like they have my single payer "Trojan horse" health care "reform" health insurance "reform" plan (which I still hadn't read even weeks after Acting Presidents Peloseri, Reidtard, et al. "I" proposed it). Especially since this occurred way before AARP started to lose over 60,000 of its members.

Except I didn't know how much that hip replacement would cost. I still don't. Otherwise, I would have paid out of pocket for that hip replacement just because she's my grandmother. Despite her also being a typical white person (i.e., racist).

Perhaps I could've gotten a tax write-off by paying for it. I don't know. I recently asked my treasury secretary about it, but he wasn't any help. He just gave me one of his old TurboTax® discs and said, "Have at it!"

Well, what else can one expect from a blatant tax cheat?

It's a wonder I ever appointed someone like him to make sure everyone fully complies with our tax code!

Maybe when my political adviser David Axelrod gets that $2 million from AKPD Media via PhRMA (i.e., the special-interest pharmaceutical lobby which I promised would not have to come up with more than $80 billion in projected cost savings or compete with any imported drugs from Canada, and which soon afterwards "coincidentally" launched a $150 million advertising blitz calling for passage of my single payer "Trojan horse" health care "reform" health insurance "reform" plan that, at the time, I hadn't even read), he'll loan me whatever the normal amount of a hip replacement was back in 2008. I could then take that amount and spend it on, say, another New York City Broadway Show "Date Night" but claim on my amended tax return it was actually used to pay for Toot's surgery.

Hopefully I can get my chief-of-staff Rahm to back me up on this. I could tell him it's a serious crisis that, I'm sure, he'd never want to go to waste.

It's unfortunate Toot wasn't a veteran. If she was, and if she were alive today, I could simply require her to read the Death Book that I've reinstated for all aging veterans.

Oh, well.

Anyway, I see now that it's time for me to pull the plug, so to speak, on these confessions of mine regarding my immorality.

But don't worry. I have (and am undoubtedly going to keep having) plenty more where these came from.

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