Liberal Utopia

What your world would be if everything liberals wanted, they got. Open the door at the bottom of its Elysium fa├žade and take a glimpse of hell.

Anti-Christian Liberal Utopia


Cutting off its nose to spite its face—again.

ear California,

Please secede from the Union. Or at least from the notACLUe™ one. Either way, you'll be doing our country a big favor.

Sure, there are a few places there, even whole suburbs and towns, which I'd love to see remain in an actual free country. Perhaps make them U.S. territorial islands in that Sargassocialist Sea of yours. In exchange, you can keep all of Hollyweird (in fact, we would demand it—except maybe for a couple of sites along N. La Brea Ave. and on W. Hollywood Blvd. near Orange St., among a few others) and San Francisco too, as well as the entire Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. If this seems too impracticable, I for one am prepared to sacrifice all of them to the greater good of truly liberty-loving peoples everywhere. You could at least do the same.

Don't worry about it being unconstitutional or anything. In the extremely unlikely event that any court in the land lifts a gavel to try to stop you from leaving, I'm certain that 49 states would unanimously ratify an amendment to the Constitution giving your lalaland full clearance to ride off into a glorious ocean sunset.

Then you can set up whatever kind of nation you wish. You're always bragging about how yours would be the fourth-largest economy in the world if it were one, anyway. Well, now, here's your chance. Heck, even become part of Mexico again if you want (as if you're giving yourselves any real choice in the matter).

Purge every vestige of Christianity from your land. Sanctify open marriages. Pardon all criminals political prisoners. Legalize crack. Tax your remaining subjects to your hearts' content. And make patchouli oil your national symbol (no two lines crossing anywhere on it, of course).

All this—and more—can be yours once you leave. We'll be throwing wild celebrations and partying in the streets across America miss you, to be sure. But don't let that bother you. We'll send you ambassadors and even a few occupying Marine divisions (if things get too out of hand) from time to time to let you know we still care. Besides, you'll be too busy for the next few millennia trying to successfully establish that brave new nation of yours to even think about it.

No doubt there are bound to be downsides to your seceding from the United States. If anyone ever thinks of any, we'll let you know—after the secession ceremonies.

So California, there you go. Leftward, frontward, even endward to whatever kind of country you want to create, all under your brand new sovereignty. Declare your independence and your eastern neighbor will be the first one to recognize it. We'll even recommend your own membership in the United Nations! Can't get any cooler than that. Anyway, here's wishing you a very prompt fond farewell.

Your hopefully soon-to-be former fellow citizen,

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