We know the parties' conventions are months away, and Hildabeast hasn't had a chance yet to hijack the Dems' nomination process. However, the L'utopians are getting restless, and are extremely anxious to know how we stand. Not that we care. But, still, it's best to avoid the rush, especially when all the world's tyrants, terrorists and back-stabbers are trying to flood the media with their endorsements. (If anything, it's our patriotic duty to make sure they're not the only ones making al-Qerry endorsements this early.) So we've decided to issue our site's official endorsement now.
What can one say about Hanoi John F'in' al-Qerry - defender of The Children™ (those who aren't being aborted, at any rate), protector of The Mothers (provided, of course, they're single and receiving government checks), advocate of Clear Skies (but not foreheads) and 57 Sauces everywhere, slayer of Tax Cuts, sharpener of Pointy Heads, voter for Things before voting against them, knower of Biggest Bunches of Liarses and Crookses Known To Liberalkindesses (as in, it takes one to...), and netter of the Nimbled Nuance (the flipping and flopping variety) - which hasn't been said 10 million job-promises before?
We were going to link to every substantive plan and proposal he's ever made and published on his web site. That would've taken up only an incomplete phrase or two, leaving plenty of room for an overly long and glowing endorsement. But you all probably already know about his ideas, like on outsourcing jobs (imposing what amounts to higher import tariffs which will invite sanctions from the World Trade Organization - whose establishment he voted for
- and retaliation from our trading partners; but just ignore that nuance about Qerry accepting campaign contributions from "Benedict Arnold" companies
while he voted for the trade deals that benefited those companies
, or about his wife's multinational corporation placing over 70% of its factories overseas
), on homeland security (making sure
there are enough firefighters, firemedics, police officers, and morticians to take care of us - or whatever's left of us that can be scraped off the pavement - after
we've been attacked), on health care (stuff about cutting "loopholes," creating "premium rebate pools," strengthening the "employer-based market," and costing "an average of $72 billion annually" - all incredibly detailed inside his
whopper 10-page "plan"), on energy policy and the environment (warnising wind wower wand wother wewewable wources, injecting "cellulosic ethanol" into
our cars, floating along on a "hydrogen-based economy," adopting biofuel diversity, legitimizing the Kyoto Protocol
, cutting more "loopholes," protecting "all of God's creatures"...aww, phasing-out snowmobile trails in national parks, and entering into a "Conservation Covenant" with
the American People
militant environmental groups), and on veterans (like full
underrug-sweeping of missing MIA/POWs and giving compacts to soldiers and not calling them village-burners anymore and stuff - that sound all right?). So we won't add any more to his pendulous spiel. Suffice it to say that here at Liberal Utopia we have never seen a bigger bunch of
well thought-out proposals than the ones he's offering for all little l'utopians everywhere.
For all these reasons - and more - it is a real honor and a great deal for us to
keep ourselves from blowing chunks at the mere sight of his Lurch-like mug
bestow upon the niliancy of Hanoi John F'in' al-Qerry, this first-ever official endorsement from Liberal Utopia:
A Realer Wheeler-n-Dealer Niler There Never Was
Congratulations to all lovers of democracy and Hunt's Tomato Ketchup (no botox or other sqerry preservatives added)
throughout our great land.
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